Monday, June 27, 2011

The long lost appetite and it's return

This past week of hospitalization started off rough. I checked into radiology to get my port put in. I was partially sedated for the procedure, although I still felt sharp pains here and there and the messy yellow goop they spread all over my chest to sanitize the area. The goop honestly takes a week to go away unless you want to sit there for hours scrubbing away until your skin is completely red. After the procedure I was transported to the room I would be staying in all week. The room was spaciously gorgeous, resembling a mini suite. It was a lot nicer then the dorm I stayed in for 6 weeks in Baldwin park. As soon as I settled in to my temporary room I started feeling throbbing pain coming from my chest. I couldnt seem to find any comfortable angle to sleep viketin became my best friend. The chemo was to be given to me over a 36 hour period. I started it late Tuesday, and it went all the way up until Thursday morning. I have had times where I've lost my appetite before, but it has never been as bad as it was this past week. Such a sad feeling for the food adic that I am. Nothing seemed appetizing but fruit. I was lucky if I got at least one entire meal during the day.janes ted to eat so bad, and nothing is worse than feeling the nauseating feeling when your not feeling a slight bit of hunger. This round of chemo also brought along 3 nicely packaged headaches each day. Thanks, but no thanks. If I wasn't sleeping, which I did a large portion of the day, I was making my best attempt to hold conversations with my visitors. Thank God for my family and friends who all kept me company during the week, I couldnt have made it through the week without any if them. I feel so awful to be a bore when visitors come by, but I'm sure I can make up some entertainment time later. My poor mommy, who stayed the night with me two nights, looked so bored. But being the amazing mom she is she stuck it through:) Both my nieces even took a stab at being a nurse for the night. They didn't do have bad, I was quite impressed. Although give them cable t.v. and an iPad and they will stay up all night being a nurse, and I mean all night!! My friends Andy, Alyssa, Mena, Sarah, and Angelica also came by during the week. Not to mention my three Ramirez cousins Gaby, Liz, and Carmen who spent most late nights with me.
Sunday came around, it was finally time for me to go home! And lucky for me, my appetite returned! The first thing I wanted to eat was a nice slice of pepperoni pizza...which turned into three!! Thank you God for returning me my lovely friend, and most of all, thank you for helping get through anoher one of these cycles! Love you all, keep following!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Death is not supposed to be a scary thing. Since I was diagnosed I never placed too much thought on the idea of death. The times that I thought about it, it didn't seem to scare me. Since my dad passed, I've been thinking about it more, but this time I do feel a sense of fear. I feel it's because i have felt how much it hurts when someone passes. I know we can all have our doubts at times, and I've been talking to God about this fear and nervous feeling ive been having about death often. I wonder if when death comes around and one goes to heaven, if they feel the ache of missing their loved ones. I think that's why Ive been feeling this way. I have felt the feeling of agony of losing one person, and dont want to feel the agony of missing every single loved one in my life. But I know God can help me with this one, just as much as he has helped me with every other dilemma in my life. I know that if death should ever come upon me, he will make me feel full, I just have to have faith, faith will conquer my doubts, faith conquers all.

A little better everyday...

I have been spending a lot of time with my mom this past week. I stay the night with her most nights when Ivan is working graveyard. I feel like we are all getting a little better everyday since my dad passed, but we all can't stop missing him. Yesterday was fathers day, and it was so hard not to have my pops to celebrate with. But I knew my dad never placed a big emphasis on the holiday, so I found it silly of me to feel sad.
This past Friday was the last day of the novena, a nine day prayer we started after my dads services. So much family has been over which has been nice but also not so good some days, especially for my mom. I found her in the garage the other day just sobbing and when i asked her if she just wanted to be alone she firmly nodded her head yes. As much as it hurts me to know i have to leave her alone some days, my sisters have all said she needs time alone to cope and accept the change. She's been finding her therapy through her yard work, which is good. The scary talk of her wanting to move from the home we all grew up in isn't something we all want to hear. We feel it's just part of her coping journey. I've talked to some people who have lost a close family member or friend, and ive heard their loved ones can cope in this way. As hard as it would be to have my mom leave the house we all have so many memories in, we all know we have to support her in her decision, whatever it ends up being.
I got to visit my students this past week which was amazing. I have missed them sooo much. They didn't know I was coming, so as soon as they saw me they went bazerk! They all commented I looked different, and asked me if I got highlights, I smirked and just said yes. They don't know my diagnoses, yet they are so observant to details. They we're prompt in filling me in with everything I've missed. Of course the biggest question they had for me, was when I would be coming back. It hurt me to have to say that I didnt know. All their hugs truly made my day, I hope to see them again soon!
I start my next chemo cycle tomorrow. I don't feel as sad this time, which is good. Im going to be getting admitted this time, which means I'll have to stay hospitalized for about 3-4 days. I will be getting my Pic line removed tomorrow as well, and getting a port put in. I'm excited for this since wrapping my arm everyday I shower is such a pain, not mention the uncontrollable itchiness from the sticky stuff that keeps it protected.
Today is my hubby's b-day!! We had a celebration for him with all our friends this past Saturday and are having a little dinner today for him just with the fam. Well I'm off to celebrate with the birthday boy! Keep following and God bless!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Dedicating this blog to my pops!

It's been awhile I know, but this past week has been filled with heavy emotions. So heavy it's been hard for me to write it all out until now.last Thursday seemed rather dry. I had slept most of the day feeling more exhausted than usual, although everyday I feel tired and sleepy. Ivan decided to make us some steaks and potatoes. I had a craving for it, and like his usual self he wants to make his wifey happy...we were in the kitchen preparing our dinner when we received the call. My sister Hilda told Ivan that they had found my dad unconscious and the ambulance had taken him to the nearest hospital. My mind began to race and tears of fear ran down my face as I grabbed my purse while Ivan quickly grabbed the keys to our car. The ride to the hospital I was once at earlier that morning seemed longer than usual. We arrived to the ER where we were guided to the consult room. As soon as I saw the lettering on the door I began to sob. As the nurse opened the door I saw my sisters red eyes and brother's sorrowful look. I quickly asked in a panic voice" what's going on, where is he?" As the news of my dad no longer being with us hit my ears my knees hit the floor in complete anguish. As the rest of my sisters arrived we hugged each other in sobs. The worst was breaking the news to my mom. My heart shattered as I heard her shout" perdi mi compania" I've lost my company. Seeing my mom made me want to cradle her in my arms to sleep. I've never seen my mom cry this way. Arrangements for my dads services began right away. I couldnt bear going with my family to select the casket nor the burial location. I just couldn't handle it feeling real yet. Family and friends were swarming in and out of our house. Some days it was nice to have company but other days we all just wanted to be left alone. I coped by watching old home videos of my dad and remembering the amazing memories he had given all of us. My dad had suffered so much these past years with different illnesses. He had spent countless days in the hospital, but when it came for his time to part from us it happened in the comfort of his own home, in his favorite spot on the couch. My family and I found peace and prayed he hadn't suffered one bit on his way out. The viewing and funeral were unbearable. I had a difficult time stepping close to the casket. As soon as I walked in I saw my family crowded around it, and began to cry. It took my whole family to convince me to come see him. Inside me, I didn't want to accept it, but I knew I was going to have to. As soon as I saw him, I noticed the small smile on his face. He looked so comfortable at rest. The mass for my dad was beautiful. It brought me a sense of joy to know my dad was enjoying himself in heaven, and although we would miss his physical self, he would always be in our hearts...this brought me great comfort.
God is always trying to teach us something...I dont know why he sprung this on us so sudden, but I feel it has really united our family. I feel my dads presence constantly. I feel god is using my dads absence to bring us closer together. Im going to miss the heck out off him. Not a day will go by where I won't think of him. I'm always always going to remember his smile and laugh, always. I'm going to dedicate this blog to him because i feel ive gotten my strength to fight this sickness from watching my dad fight all his illnesses. He never gave up! And sickness after sickness he always bounced back to us. He was a true fighter, and i want to be just like him! Descansa en Paz mi lindo papa.

God bless, keep following

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I must find a way to get paid for this overtime!

This new job of mine had me pull in some mean over time yesterday. I was there for nearly 24 hrs! I arrived early Tuesday morning for my usual lumbard puncture Tuesday with the company of my mother in law. When I got to the radiology department the nurse let me know that the infusion center had called and I was to report there first because my platelet levels were too low. I headed up the elevator to my second home where I normally take my spot in chair #12. This time I was seated somewhere else. I had never received platelets before. The bags had a yellow mustard color look, weird! As I sat there receiving the funny yellow stuff I chatted away with a fellow cancer patient. He was young like me! I haven't seen many young people come in, so I was excited to finally converse with someone around my age. He was getting treated for a rare type of cancer that he had already once 10 years ago. I asked him how he handled receiving the news that it had come back, and he replied" well, it's something that is always ithe bac of your mind, the possibility, and you just have to learn to accept it and not let it stop living your life" I had never thought too much about the idea of cancer coming back into my life after fighting this battle. I guess it's something I'm going to have to learn to accept. That there is no cure, and it could come back, and I have to be ready to keep fighting. It just seems so hard to have to fight this awful battle again after thinking for several years you have been free from the poisonous thing. We talked about all the restrictions our doctors tell us to have, for instance his doctor told him not go out much like me, yet we still do. I don't blame him though, because living with this sickness only makes me want to live more and make everyday as if it were my last. So yes, I know Im supposed to try and stay inside to protect myself, but no I am not. I will gladly wear a mask and get funny looks to make that trip to the movies or mall.
The platelet transfusion ended and it was off to radiology. By this time it was already 3, and I still had not eaten anything:( I had a different doctor do the procedure this time, he was much quicker! They let me pick the tunes on the iPod I wanted to listen to. The procedure took a total of 10minutes. Its getting to be a routine for me, but im thankful i only have 2 more of these to get through! Afterwards I was. Taken to ER to receive a blood transfusion since my levels had dropped below normal. My sister in law brought me something to eat since I was finally able to eat, but I wasn't able to eat much since I had waited for so long. My blood took forever to get there. It finally arrived around 12. I received 2 units of blood, which left my face with so much color! By 3 am I was discharged with my poor sister in law who stayed up with me the whole time.
So if I was getting paid for this at 14 an hour, 8 hours regular pay and 10 hours overtime I would have made 272 dollars!! I personally feel that was one of the most difficult shifts thus far and feel I deserve a 2 dollar raise if I'm going to be pulling these close to all nighters again!
Today was a good day after getting some much needed rest after the never ending day. I went in for an interview to teach art at a one weeK camp this summer. The interview went great! They want me to come in and shadow the art techer teach some lessons before I start. I was also asked to join their team in the fall called mobile muse, which is an art education program that travels to different Modesto city schools to teach art. It's nothing full time which is exactly what I need! The teachers were completely understanding of my situation, and said I could even pick the days I would want to teach! I'm really excited about this opportunity. I feel it's just what I need to keep my passions of teaching and art alive while undergoing all this treatment. Nothing is going to stop me!
Keep following, god bless!!