Saturday, April 30, 2011

Day 29-Is it possible for me to sleep standing up?

I have a new it possible that I got run over by a large diesel, managed to stay alive, lied there for awhile unconscious, and now suffer from the pain all over my body? I feel bruised, everywhere, yet I'm not freaking purple! What the heck is going on here people, I should be looking like Barney the way I feel! I sleep on my back and it hurts. I sleep on my stomach and it hurts. On my side...guess? Tylenol are you kidding me! Can you do your job! Like seriously, you went to college and received a degree in alleviation, so go on and perform your duties pronto! I felt like a crazy sleepwalker all night. Getting up every hour to stretch and wander back and forth a few steps...I probably resembled a crazy nut in a mental institution...heck I am a crazy nut because I want to invent some kind of device where I can sleep standing up. Better yet, I've got it! Tape me to the wall! Its absolutely genious and affordable! Alright no one take my idea, I've officially pattened it! I will call this new invention of mine "sleep standing." So creative! And the slogan of course...."who says you have to lie?"
If people walk by and ask " why is she sleeping standing up?" Please, kindly place this sign next to me "can you not see I'm sleeping!"

And another thing. The question "how are you?" is now somewhat offensive to me...I mean seriously do you even need to ask? But if you are really interested i would be more than happy to print out that long long receipt for you to tell you...and at the end it will read"how do you think?"

Gosh this cancer thing is really turning me into a.....( you fill in the blank);)

Friday, April 29, 2011


Thank you Jen and Suzie for your wonderful work.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Day 28- I've never been a quitter...

I've never been a quitter. Sometimes I feel I was born with some kind of strange bionic battery that makes me keep going and going. I live for staying busy for doing something. I feel part of my crazy ambition came from my parents. Ive seen them struggle so much to give me wonderful opportunities they never had. I just don't know any different, Ive always been this way. I'm patty on the go! And if you know me well, you know why I say that!;) But it's just who I am, who I've always been! Today was difficult. I had a moment where I finally understood what it felt like to want to quit. I've never even knew that word existed in my vocabulary. Me a quitter? I've never quit anything in my life. The biopsy today was by far the toughest one yet. Although this was the third time around my doctor was unable to attain a good sample from the first (it was dry) so she had to go in with the drill once more right next to the previous location. The biopsies before were mostly awkward, but this one was just more painful and sore. After the procedure was over I lied on my back and started to cry. I was completely sore and exhausted. I felt the feeling...I understood finally why it's so easy to quit. I'm exhausted!! It's been 35 days here, I'm exhausted! My body is being pushed in a way I've never experienced before. It's like I'm on the edge of this beautiful cliff gripping so tightly with the little strength I have, yet it's so easy to just let go. I don't want to let go, "heck no" I won't let go, but I finally get why it's so easy to. My friend Suzy did some breathing exercises with me and reminded me of this special hiking place we discovered in SF one day. She told me to imagine the feeling of being there, relaxing, and assured me I was almost done with this part. She then proceeded to make me laugh with some inappropriate comment I won't disclose which made me feel a whole lot better;) "Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else in the world would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength." My friend Sarah placed that quote on my wall when I first was admitted into the hospital. It didn't make as much sense to me as it does now. I've never been a quitter, and I don't plan on becoming one! You all are sooooo important in this battle! I will show true strength you best believe it!

Love Yo all, keep praying for good biopsy results!!

Day 27-Short and sweet

Everyday is a constant battle with my body. Its so easy to just lie down all day. My body feels sore, exhausted and fraile. My counts have been lowering because of the chemo I have been receiving everyday, which is why I'm probably feeling weaker these days. I didn't meet my walking goal today:( I have to remember to do what I can, not exert myself. The other night on a walk with Ivan I lost my breath on lap 20 of the day, I had to turn around and go back to my room to rest and drink water. It's frustrating feeling this way! I want to manage walking for more than 20 minutes, it's hard to accept that I can't just yet. Its hard knowing I can't stand for long without feeling my legs start to shake. I'm in constant competion with this body of mine...and I'm trying to win every time, yet I just can't sometimes. Still, I must be thankful im able to walk more than I was 3 weeks ago. I could barley walk once around this floor without feeling lightheaded. I'm going to be ok..."I'm going to get there eventually I just have to be patient" I keep telling myself.
Biopsy is today! I'm going to eat a really good breakfast to prepare to go under the drill once again! Please say lots of prayers for good results so we can be sent home finally next week! I also have my last booty shot today, thank God! My butt needs a rest;)
I also ask that you all pray for Ivan and I's future plan arrangements. We are going to be transferring to Modesto Kaiser to continue my treatment since we have most of our family there who can help. We have lots to pan out and ask for prayers for it all to work out;)
Love you all, I'll update you on how day 28 was later and how the biopsy went. God bless, keep following!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Day 26-What a day!

What a day!! I was woken up to surprise beautiful family! My mom, dad, sister Hilda, and nieces! Gosh, I hadn't seen my dad or nieces in almost 6 weeks!! Seeing them bought me sooooo much joy! ;) My crazy family left at the crack of dawn to be here early, just to spend the day with me! My mom even brought us some delicious posole and enchiladas which we all devoured in my little room. It was just so nice to spend time with them. I took my nieces out for one of my walks. I had to give them their P.E. workout since they skipped school;) I told them about the "gallery of booties" Ivan and I have been caching lately on our walks. I kid you not I've seen 3 of my neighbors butts, they must feel pretty comfortable. It was pretty hilarious, because soon after I told them about this, they too caught a glimpse!! Lol hope it doesn't scar them!
The most amazing part about today was that they cut me loose to go outside for the first time in almost 5 weeks!! As the sliding doors opened I was blinded by real sunlight. The cool breeze on my eyes and forehead felt so sweet! I couldn't help but place my arms up and scream "I'm outside! It's been 5 weeks, I'm outside!" I hope I didn't freak anyone out too was just such a glorious feeling! I'm assuming it's how someone feels after being locked up in jail for a long period of time... I'm hoping my doctor will let me out again soon!
The day just continued to get better! Chanti and Gracie arrived to visit as well. With them they brought Hawaii! It was the sweetest thing ever! They brought leis, grass skirts, and Hawaiian punch! We had a luau celebration! The room sure reached it's full capacity:)
After my family, chanti, and Gracie left Suzy and Jen arrived to start the photoshoot! I managed to rest up a little and kill the nausea I was feeling. I was just too excited and wasn't going to let anything stop the show! Suzy applied makeup on me and glamoured me up! I had not put on makeup the entire time I've been here, I forgot what I looked like with it on. It was such an empowering feeling having them snap away at my new look! It made me feel beautiful. My day ended at midnight in complete exhaustion. Thankfully I got the best sleep since I've been here...6hrs straight without being woken up! That's a record!
Such an amazing day! These visits are making the time here go by so much faster...keep following God Bless!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Day 25-I'm bald, and still me! :)

I knew the time would soon SVU (law in order) look was beginning to seem rather creepy. Besides the creepy comb over look I guess you could call it, the constant hair on my shirt, back and pillow was driving me nuts! I decided to empower myself to begin to embrace the bald head I was about to encounter by googling images of bald woman. Natalie Portman was the first I thought of, followed by Demi Moore. I stared at several images thinking, " wow, how is it that these woman are still so beautiful without any hair!" I remembered watching an episode of Americas Next Top model several years ago where they had to do a photo shoot bald. It gave me an idea! I thought to myself " this is a once in a lifetime experience, I must have my own photoshoot! :)" Considering I have two amazing photojournalist friends (suzy and Jen) who live in the area, I just knew they would be perfect! The girls set up shop, as Ivan did the honors of slowly using the electric shaver to shave the last short strands of hair I still had on my head. Of course we had some fun along the way. Ivan attempted to make as many other creepy looks as possible. I even sported a west side tail for a minute!! Suzy and Jen snapped away as Ivan concentrated on giving me my new look. The most awkward part was when Ivan applied the cold shaving cream on my head...brrrrrr. As he held the razor and slowly pulled back I felt tingles rush all the way back to my spine.
The process took longer than we thought, Ivan wanted to make sure he didn't miss any spots;) The time came to look at myself in the mirror. As I stared at myself I didn't feel any different. It was weird. I still felt me. The bald head didn't bother me, I even complimented the shape of my head I never knew I had.:) "This isn't so bad I thought, I can get used it," I said out loud. Then came the rush of cold air, ok so maybe that would take some time getting used to! ;)
I slept so much more comfortable last night. I woke up this morning to no hair on my shirt, pillow, or back. I feel free, I'm still me;)

Tonight my photographers will be having part 2 of the photoshoot. I will be sure to post a pic! Watch out Natalie Portman! ;)

God bless you all, keep on following!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Day 24-Happppppyyyyy Easter(the lord has risen!) I'll be in my plastic egg in a food coma...

What a great Easter!! I spent the day hanging out with my beautiful family! Ivan, my sister-n-laws(Annabell and Nayra), Isaiah, Hilda, and even had a very special friend of mine visit, Alexis!! Alexis just got back from Afghanistan 2 weeks ago, and is currently living back in San Diego. It was so nice spending the afternoon with her catching up on old times:) thank you for stopping by girl!! My wonderful sister-n- laws are just sooooo good to me. They went on a mission to get some Cuban food for lunch, which we all happily indulged in! I can't thank those two enough for driving all the way to timbuc two to get it! Lol After the enormous craving I had for it yesterday, it was just soooo heavenly;)
The second best part about today was all the home cooking! Ivan's mom truly spoiled us! She made us her specialty homemade quesidillas for breakfast and cooked us an amazing carne asada, macaroni salad, and rice for dinner:) Ivan and I both ate our food in complete excitement, not to mention our tummys were awfully happy with real food! It will definitely hold us over for another week! After our delightful Easter dinner, I lied in a wonderful food coma so happy and content :) thank you God for letting me enjoy some normal flavors today, you are the best!
Well friends, I hope you all had a wonderful Easter as well! I have 5 more shots through Friday and 1 biopsy on Thursday left! I'm counting down! Please keep praying for good results so we can go home sooooon:) I'm beat from today! Wishing you all a good night!

Love you all!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Day 23-Everything tastes like crap:)

It happened:( Grossed out by quiche served to me for breafast, followed by a tuna sandwich that was given to me by mistake, followed by the bland turkey sandwich I ordered, and ending with red enchiladas I dislike that brought everything down hill!! Nothing sounds appetizing...and what I think I'm putting in my mouth bursts with flavors I've never even tasted before. Turkey tasted like moldy fish, sour cream like rancid mayo, and avocado like...some kind of bland mushy paste. The only thing that I ate today that tasted as normal as it could were some yummy Neiman Marcus cookies my sister-n-law brought for me today. I probably ate a total of 5 all day today...thank God for those! I'm looking forward to tomorrow though! Ivan's mom is going to be cooking for us at his uncle's house!! This means a home cooked meal!! " Hey taste buds, you better not pull this **** on me tomorrow!"
I spent my day hanging out with Hilda (my mother-n- law). I tired her out on my walks, chatted with her lots, read, and caught up on some much needed sleep during the afternoon. My night did not end so well though:( Do you know how incredibly frustrating it is to want to eat something but can't seem to have an appetite for it? I'm telling you food has so much more value to me now! I had not eaten much the whole day but later that night had an itch to eat some Cuban food. I thought about the flavors and it was the only thing that sounded somewhat appetizing. Unfortunately Ivan couldn't make it to the place in time( he had taken his nephew to Disneyland for the day). By the time he got here it was 11pm. I was in tears! Over stupid food!!! I had prepared my mind for that meal, and just couldn't get myself to want anything me stubborn or blame it on my stupid taste buds...or both;) Ivan suggested other foods, but my options were mostly junky fast food my stomach/body are hating me for. So I sat up from my stubborn taste bud misery, yelled at myself to snap out of it, and prepared my mind for the eating competition. And do you know what came to me?... A plain chicken sandwich with BBQ sauce from Jack in the Box. Ivan being the man he is quickly ran out to get it. There I sat in the dark eating that chicken sandwich. Finally.... something pleasant I enjoyed eating:) Thank you God!! And thank you to my hubby, who had to put up with my crabbiness!

This journey of mine has really revealed something new to me. Sides of people I have never seen in my life are showing. Amazing people who I've never even met have reached out to us. Bless their hearts and families! People who I hadn't spoken to in such a long time have shared all these beautiful thoughts and words of encouragement with me, that have motivated me to keep fighting everyday.I've received messages and phone calls from people in my life who were possibly not that close to show their support. My family and friends have all bent over backwards enduring long 5 hr drives and time off work to visit, help alleviate Ivan and keep me company throughout the day. I've received all these wonderful, inspiring and uplifting gifts from so many of you that have really just brightened up my days. Cookies, hand crocheted hats, books, paper flowers, paintings, cards, pictures, scrapbooks, all of which I cherish soooo dearly! I have seen sooooo much good in people!! A simple word, phone call, visit, gesture, action, and smile have had so much more value to me since I've been here. The smallest little things people do have been helping me get through everyday! It makes me think about how tiny simplicity can go such a long way to really help someone. In the end that's what were here on this earth for. Were not going to be remembered by our money, our careers, the things we owned, but by the relationships we had with people, what we did for others, the sweet simple things...what really matters.

Day 22-I have the right to be angry too!

I felt angry last night. For the first time. I felt angry at the fact I couldn't enjoy one of my favorite meals because my taste buds were off, and feel nauseaded at the thought of it now. I felt anger because people say they will call and never do. I felt anger because people say they will drop by and never do. I felt angry that I cant cook my own food or eat home cooked meals. I feel angry that my butt and lower back are constantly sore. That this kinck in my neck just won't go away. I feel angry at the fact that I havent gotten a full nights rest without being woken up at least once. I feel angry that I wake up one to two times during the night in my pool of sweat. And even when I turn my pill over, it's still wet. I feel angry that my hair is poking my neck and is always all over my shirt. Gosh I even feel angry because I can't sleep right now. I feel angry that I'm connected to a machine that beeps obnoxiously every hour. I feel angry that I can't sleep next to Ivan in our own comfy bed. I feel angry about the fact I don't know what is to come....I can't have a plan, and that's hard for someone like me. As I look back at what I just wrote, I realized I started off by saying I felt anger to I feel. I feel better now getting it off my chest! I feel angry! As much as Ive made the positive out of these things, I have the right to be angry too!
Grrrrrrrr.....I breath, I feel so much better now maybe I can finally rest.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Day 21-My monthly acomplishmnets

Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since I was first admitted. Four weeks....gosh, 1 month! One month is a long time! I don't think we ever really take the time to ask ourselves very often"what have I accomplished this month?" We need to do this more often!! We need to take the time to congratulate ourselves for even the smallest accomplishments we have made, take the time to feel proud and confident! I may have not been able to leave this hospital, but I'm going to recognize the small accomplishments I've made while I've been here:
1. Hold conversations with nurses/doctors about the color of my pee, how many times I've peed, amount of times I've pooped, and even describe my poop all without laughing...
2. Use one arm to change
3. Use my left hand to eat and wash my hair, I think I may no longer be right handed;)
4. Managed to make all of my vomitting in a bucket, or an easy clean up location! Score!
5. Eat meals without even feeling a bit of hunger, without grossing myself out!
6. Managed to take Biology 101 over! Thanks to some student nurses who nicely drew out pictures and diagrams for me, I understand the biology of this illness! Don't know if I can teach any of you though, sorry, science is still not my expertise....
7. I have become an expert at swallowing multiple and large pills at one time!
8. And finally, a shot in my butt is nothing but a finger poke now!

That felt great, now you!!
Keep following:)

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Happy Birthday Nayra!!

To my awesome sister-n-law!! You are such a blessing in my life! Thank you for all your amazing support during this time in my life! I'm so thankful to have you as family!! Your spirit is so uplifting!!! I hope you had a wonderful birthday today, one you truly deserve!! I'm looking forward to celebrating with you once I get home! Thanks for being you!!

Happy birthday!!

Day 20- Can't wait to get a breath of fresh air!

I want to smell fresh air
I want to ride in a car
I want to go to the movies and eat buttery popcorn
I want to go on a beautiful hike, soak in a wondrous view
I want to go to the ocean, have a picnic, watch the moon
I want to see my nieces, squeeze them tight and never let them go
I want to have a BBQ, and have the smokey goodness hit my face
I want to go to a baseball game, sink my teeth into something great
I want to just sit, just sit, at home on our couch
I want to go to the mall, try on clothes I'll never be able to buy
I want to smell fresh air

But all these things must wait awhile more....I just can't wait!! ;)

Another awesome day....I can't complain!! 15 laps around the floor! I kinda want to get a pedometer to measure how much walking I'm doing.... boy does it feel good! My day today was full of sister time! I didn't realize there were so many things she didn't know about me, like the fact that I had my belly button pierced when I was 18....oops I must have forgot to tell her about that one! Spending quality time with her has been such a blessing. We never really get to just talk, her and's been so nice:)
Today was not a very good day for my stomach....I felt like a bottomless pit. I couldn't tell my stomach was full and wanted to eat everything in sight...I'm thinking chemo might have the opposite side effects on me sometimes...but I'm not complaining! I'm sooooo grateful I'm still able to eat, because it would be making it that much more difficult for me to recuperate, so thank God for that!!
I was visited today by Ivan and I's padrinos (tio Jaime and Tia mari). It was so nice to see them! Mari gave me a little crystal angel that read "heavens angels are watching over you." I hung the angel on my best friend (my IV machine) I'm hoping the angels start coming on my walks with me;) I'm also hoping they can lend me their wings sometimes so I won't get so exhausted!
With that said, I'm also hoping they lend me their wings to fly outta here soon...I'm getting so anxious, the countdown has begun! I'm going to bed early tonight so tomorrow will come faster, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day;)

Night every one! Pray for my flight out of here soon! Love you all, God bless!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Day 19-Im training for a marathon!

13 laps today!! Yes! Every day little by little I'm regaining my body strength. The hardest part to accept is squating and not having enough strength to pull myself up, but everyday I attempt a few times to use my "chicken legs" to pick myself up. I'm confident I'll get there eventually. My goal is to complete half a marathon in October at the Nike Woman's Marathon! So Ive started my training...
I've been getting lots of new scarfs, bandanas, and hats to wear on my head lately. Ive been trying them all out, sporting a new one every time I go out for my walks. One of my nurse friends was in complete laughter today. As I walked by her she commented "are you putting on some kind of fashion show, every time I see you, you have a different color headpiece?" I just laughed back and assured her I had way more to come;)
Today started off a little All because of cheese. Who ever thought cheese could cause such a rupture between Ivan and I. This morning I requested an omlette for breakfast from down in the cafeteria. I thought I mentioned I wanted cheese on it, but I guess he forgot. As I cut into the omlette I noticed there was no cheesiness?? I was sad, and said to Ivan "did you forgett to add cheese?" Ivans face drooped, I could tell he was upset because the parfait he had in his hand was soon on my eating table. I didn't mean to get so picky, but what's an omlette with no cheese?? Ivan suggested we switch breakfasts, but I assured him I would continue eating the I just envisioned the cheese in my head (I'm getting pretty good at manipulating my mind to create flavors in my mouth) and made the flavor in my mouth. I apologized after to Ivan, but I honestly assured him I would have given him a hard time about the missing cheese even if I wasn't here! We both laughed as he called me a little brat...but were all brats at one time I'm sure of that! Still I have to remember to be patient, and as much as Ivan is taking care of me, I must also take care of my hubby! Love you Bon Bon, sorry for my brattiness!
The rest of my day was great! I got some rest, read, watched Greys with my sister, and perused some magazines. I also received my third Asparagines shot today. 3 down 11 more to go! My booty is going to be sooo sore after I leave this place. But a shot in the booty everyday is now nothing compared to all the other pain I've endured. I'm pretty sure my pain tolerance will be much much higher after this! I have a checklist of procedures I must still get through: 1 vancristine chemo through IV, 11 booty Asparagines shots, 1 bone marrow biopsy....slowly crossing them off!
I was visited tonight by my friends Jen and Suzy! So great to see them! I took them on a late night stroll through my neighborhood. It truly feels like a neighborhood when I can name half the nurses and staff on the floor, tell you an interesting fact about them, and what their families are like;) I'm truly going to miss all the wonderful new friends I've made here when I leave!
Well I'm off to hang with my sister Sally!! It's so great to have sister time, I'm so happy she's here! :)
Love you all, God bless!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Day 18-Could it be a Miracle?!

Could it be a miracle?! Great, great, great news everyone!!! The biopsy results showed that my bone marrow is completely free of leukemia cells!!!!! Like completely free, zip, zero, NADA!! (when the biopsy was first done my bone marrow was 90% leukemia) As my oncologist gave us this news she grabbed my hands in complete excitement and enthusiasm. Ivan, my sister Sovia, and I all gave each other high fives and gleed in ultimate happiness!! It's just soooo unbelievable!! But it's all to you out there who are praying, sending me your thoughts, positive energy, and support!! The battle is not complete though....even though I feel I can breath and see that finish line ahead of me!! I will continue the rest of the protocol treatment through day 28. I will have another biopsy done on day 28 which will hopefully show reproduction of good normal bone marrow and no sign of leukemia cell please keep praying and keep sending me all your great energy because you are all helping me continue kicking this thing in the butt!!!
With that awesome news said, today was another great day! I wake up in excitement to live another day, to get going and moving! Today I managed to take 4 walks accumulating 12 times around the floor, the most yet!! A man that's always in the lobby has started to call me" the marathon runner!" haha it's quite hilarious! He's always commenting something new about me being out on the floor, sometimes creepy, but funny! Even my sister Sovia broke out a sweat walking with me today! Lol But I must rebuild my strength little by little. My calves are completely drooping! They remind me of my childhood bus driver Tiny, and the way her arms used to flap when she would wave us down for standing up in the back of the bus :)
I even showered today people! It's no longer every 3 days anymore, it's every other!!! Seriously,these once minor things I could do so easily, are major accomplishments for me!;) I probably shampood and conditioned my hair for the last time today until it grows back too!!! I will definitely be saving some money on hair products for awhile, yes! After I got out of the shower I had a huge knot in my hair. I decided there was no point in brushing it out, so my sis gave me a new hair cut!! I now sport a temporary I guess you could call.. bob cut;) it's quite funny looking I might say, I'll try and post a pic for your entertainment!
Tonight should be a good night. Going to hang out with my sister Sovia and Ivan, make some more crafts and do some reading. I just feel so happy, alive, and so thankful you all out there are cheering for me! God is truly listening to you all, and I can't even express how incredibly thankful I am!! :)
Go out and celebrate for me today! Celebrate the power of people coming together for a cause! It's sooooo powerful!! Cheers;)
Love you all!!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Day 17 cont-Hooray for my very first home cooked meal!

My WBC is at a 2.0!! Hooray! Today's day started off with one of my favorite foods...a bagel with cream cheese!! Gosh I love cream cheese so much! I specifically asked to meet with the nutritionist yesterday because Ive been on a restricted diet, and I thought she said no dairy products, yet they have been giving me cartons of milk for breakfast so I decided to ask. I asked her about two specific things I have been dieing to eat...cream cheese and ice cream?? She said as long as the dairy products were pasteurized it was fine!! Do you know how crazy happy I was to hear this news?! If you know me well you know that cream cheese and ice cream are always in my fridge! I eat cream cheese with everything, and can eat ice cream everyday. So this morning Ivan went out and got me my "pregnant" cravings! A bagel with cream cheese has never tasted sooo good:)
I spent my day very relaxed. Ivan and I caught up on some Greys Anatomy, I did some walking, in my shoes, and read. Ivan purchased me a copy of "chicken soup for the cancer soul" which has been really good for me. It's nice to read about other cancer patients and how they felt and coped during their treatments. I slept in the afternoon which was much needed. It's part of my routinewonw since I can't get much rest during the night or morning. Its perhaps the only time the nurses or CNA s are not coming in.
Later in the evening I was visited by my friend Ellese (and her roommate Eli) who I went to SF state with. Her and I were both in the same teaching credential program. I hadn't seen her since my wedding, and she was visiting her family in Ontario and decided to stop by:) she brought me my very first home cooked meal!! It's been almost four weeks since I've had something home cooked! I miss REAL food! Her family had a carne asada just before she came so she brought me carne asada, arroz, frijoles, corn on the cob, and steamed veggies:) it was incredibly delicious! I felt my stomach speak to me and say "now this is real food, all the other stuff you have been putting in me has been crap!" Its completely true though. I was never one to eat out much, but I dont really have a choice here. It's either eat mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese they serve me everyday or have Ivan go get me something to eat. So....I mostly make Ivan go get me something different to eat;) I have major detoxing to do to my body once I get out of here...major! Any who, catching up with Ellese was so great! We talked about teaching mostly of course;) And her plans for moving back to LA in May. To my dear friend Ellese, Thank you for my very first home cooked meal!! My stomach really appreciates it! And thank you for your visit!!
Tomorrow is a BIG day! I will be getting the results from the biopsy that will tell us how effective the treatment has been! I feel so much better and stronger, so I'm hoping that's a good sign! Keep the results in your prayers! Tomorrow is also the day I'll probably start wearing a banddana. I'm beginning to develop a large bald spot on my head...and Ivan has taken the liberty to nickname me"mi peludita." I'm not sure how I feel about that one yet....any who, as weird as I look, the nurse assured me today "hair will always grow back, but you can't grow back your life." So with that said, I will gladly take my life with a bald head, thank you;) ;)

Love you all, God Bless!

Day 17-The canister must come out!

Where do we keep our faith in God everyday? After doing some much needed listening yesterday I woke up this morning with this exact question in my head. I couldn't help but envision my faith in a nicely colored food canister above our fridge marked"for emergencies ONLY!" I could barley see it of course because gathered all in front of that canister was my cereal, coffee, bread, work, family, husband, friends....How is it I thought to myself that the most useful thing up there only comes out when I truly need it. When it's convenient for me. When I'm desperate, when I have no other freakin clue of what to do. It's not that I don't have faith, but why isnt that canister out in the open, everyday, at the most inconvenient times I asked myself. Having complete faith means having it when it is the most inconvenient time. I shouldn't just open that canister when I need something. I should be going to that canister everyday asking myself "what do you need me to do? How can I serve, how can I make today about you to show you I have complete faith, and make it inconvenient for me please."
I know some people don't believe in anything greater. But in life's encounters like this one im in, it's hard not to. That tingly feeling you get that gives you strength, drive, and positive energy to surpass anything in life, that's gotta be someone! Whoever it might be for you, that someone or something gives us faith. I'm taking that sticky label off that canister when I get home. Going to place it in the middle of our apartment for everyone to see. It's going to be completely open and labeled differently "Use all day, when most inconvenient."

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Day 16-I'm wearing shoes!!

Today's goals:
1.walk 4 times
2. Paint
3. Make thank you cards
4. Try and wear shoes
5. Stretch 3 times
6. Eat three good meals

Check, check, check, check, check, and check!!

I feel stronger! This morning my doctor came in and said my white blood cell count was at a 1.5! It's progressing which is an excellent sign! He said if my counts continue to rise people won't need to wear a mask anymore!! Ivan was exceptionally excited about that one:)
This morning after breakfast I spent some time alone. I did something we all too often forget to do, listen. As I sat up in my bed in prayer, and just listened I heard something. I heard God tell me this "you are going to be ok, I just wanted to shake Patty up a bit and let you know I am present if you ever doubted. Your faith and hunger for me were too complacent, so rise, and know I've been here!" I looked up at the image of our father my friend Diana brought me, and I kid you not I saw him smile as he spoke this to me. It was as if he was almost laughing in a sense. I couldn't help but laugh after that moment and think to myself"he's completely right!" Where had my faith and hunger for him gone? Never have I once stopped believing, but where had my priority for his grace gone? Too be honest I wasn't even thinking of him much at all. What had happened? Life....
When Ivan returned from his errand I spoke to him about what I had heard. We had a long conversation about how we both had strayed from our faith that once brought us together. We had been missing church, not involving ourselves in a church community, or praying regularly. I told him I felt God was using this time to wake both of our faiths from their complacency. Ivan explained to me he was still feeling puzzlement as to why this was happening and having a hard time taking prayer seriously. Hearing Ivan say this to me was so raw. I had no idea he had these feelings. But the truth is, we still really don't know what God wants us to fully learn from this experience yet. The journey isn't over yet, just beginning. God is always trying to teach us something. Sometimes we feel we know why he's doing it, yet other times it can make absolute NO SENSE! But eventually things will start making more sense. And eventually I know God will bring Ivan some sense into all this, I just know!
I had a wonderful rest of the day after Ivan and I's conversation! Ivan had a day out with Brandon (Mena's boyfriend) while Mena and I had a girl day! We had a little afternoon nap together, painted, made thank you cards and just hung out! After dinner I did something I hadn't done in three entire weeks....I put on a pair of shoes!!! It was such a strange feeling, but felt so great! I made my way out with Mena for my walk and felt so empowered! The shoes gave me the ability to start taking normal steps, and normal I felt! As I made my way around the floor three times I would turn to Mena every so often and tell her "I feel so strong!" I felt ME!
Mena parted with Brandon not too long ago:( I miss her already! But as I hugged her good bye I assured her I would be home soon:) My hunny is here with me now:) Were going to have a Saturday movie date night! (I can't wait to go to a real movie theatre and eat buttery popcorn!! Mmmmm... ) We may not be on our little brown couch at our apartment, but I can honestly say just sitting next to him makes me feel like I am home.
Here's to another day, here's to listening, and here's to shoes!! Love you all and keep praying! :)

P.S. CAUTION TMI: I took a poop today that smelled like....poop!! I have never been so happy to smell poop before, but it just made me feel that much more normal...I'm turning back into myself!! Yay!!

Happy birthday Alyssa!!

To my lovely friend Alyssa!! You have been so so good to me during this journey of mine! Although you are not here your support and love is felt by me everyday!! Andy you got a great wife to be!! Hope you had an amazing birthday, one you truly deserve!! Like I said to you yesterday, we got some celebrating to make up as soon as I'm outta here!!

Looking forward to seeing you next weekend!! Love and miss you!! Happy birthday!!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Day 15-it's like living in another body for a temporary time...

Last night I didn't get much sleep :( My lower back was incredibly sore from the biopsy, and my neck and shoulders have been rather achey as well. One of the side affects of the treatment is night sweats and chills. I find myself waking up every few hours feeling like I'm in a bath of my own sweat. So I flip my pillow over to let it dry out. Its been a struggle trying to teach myself to go back to bed after getting woken up. I feel I'm getting used to it somedays, but other days it's just so hard to fall back asleep. This morning I awoke rather grumpy. After the achey back pains and perfusivly sweaty night, I just wanted to sleep! I eventually managed to get out of my pool, make my goals for the day and crunch on a new kind of breakfast. My sister Hilda brought me some cinnamon toast crunch cereal which I happily ate two bowls of :) After breakfast I felt a lot better and made my way around the floor three times! After lunch I made it around my floor some more times around. These past few days I've felt better I've been putting to use with more walking to avoid my muscles from tensing up so much. I felt completely exhausted after the walk and managed to finally get some sleep afterwards. It's just so weird because sleep here doesn't feel like sleep. Ivan said I was sleeping for 2hrs, but to me, I wasn't even aware I had fallen asleep...
One of the biggest challenges on my list of goals today was shower. Today was perhaps the easiest time I've had with that one thankfully! I was beginning to dread the nauseating, tired, and weak feeling I get afterwards. Mounds of hair streamed out as I attempted to shampoo and condition. I got this feeling I was having a good bye ceremony for my hair as I watched the thick brown wavy strands compile into a large almost"dirt mound" looking thing. As I stared down at all the hair I felt like I was becoming a new person, saying good bye to an old me and hello to a new Patty, one with better hair I'm hoping:)( I was never really attached to my hair, infact I'm hoping it grows back nicer since I would always complain about my crazy frizz.)
As I stepped out of the shower I had this thought. Being in this hospital and undergoing all this treatment makes me feel like I'm living in someone else's body temporarily. It's as if I completely unzipped myself out of my own self and just simply stepped into another, just like that! This body is different though... weaker. It's a strange feeling trying to adjust to a new body you don't know. It's like you don't recognize yourself...but I'm hoping it's only a matter of time. I'm hoping that I will soon be able to just simply unzip myself out of this strange thing and jump right back into my old body once more!
My beautiful friend Mena arrived not too long ago!! My heart smiled as she came into the room. Seeing her made me feel like I wasn't here in this hospital, like she just came over our apartment to hang out. She will be by nurse/roommate for the night. Dr.Ivan has trained her in her nightly responsibilities:) My mom and sister left back for Modesto today:( it was so great to have them here, I can't wait to see them again. I can't wait for tomorrow! Mena and I will be having an art day!! I have painting and more crafts in mind, and she's just the right gal to do them with! It's so great to have her I'm off to spend time with my girl! Sending you all lots of love! Thank God for another clean day of less pain!! Hoping for more...
Keep following!


I hope you guys enjoy my sunfllower.... yes that is my hair in the middle, I mean why let it go to waste?? Ivan says it will be out of the room today because it has a bunch of shit in it, and it will contaminate the room....he's being lame!

Enjoy!!... more crafts to come... :)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Day 14 cont.-it's a craft party, hey!!!!

The biopsy was successful!! This time around it only took 25 minutes instead of an hour and ten. My oncologist went straight for the drill this time after the sweat she broke last time. Ivan gripped my hand the entire time as I hummed to some techno tunes to keep me distracted. It wasn't that painful, mostly uncomfortable for a bit. But it was done in no time, and I was asked to lay on my back for a half an hour without any movement. I even got to see my was red?? I asked why and the assistant told me it's like when you crack a chicken bone, it's red inside. "weird!" I thought. I was later brought a late lunch by my sister Hilda. Yummy pasta!
I had a great afternoon! Walked, caught up on the phone with some friends, and just relaxed:) Its been an awesome past two days! I have felt so good, pain free, and just gosh darn happy!!!
The hospital Chaplin had suggested I make a list of goals for myself everyday to make myself feel I have a routine and a purpose for the day. Today was the first day i made a list and attacked my list of goals. All were met but one(which I will accomplish tomorrow;)). Seeing the goals crossed off the white board felt great! I will continue to use this strategy to keep me motivated and feel accomplished.
The only bad thing about today was my favorite American idol contestant Paul McDonald was voted off :( :( I was whimpering so much as he got eliminated the nurse came in to make sure I was ok lol. I still love ya Paul!! My night ended with a colorful craft project. Like I mentioned to you all earlier my hair is slowly beginning to fall out. I couldnt hold back my artistic drive, so I decided to make a happy craft out of my shedding fest:) it's a brightly colored sunflower for all of you to look at:) :) since I can't have real flowers in my room, I just had to make my own of course!!
Well friends I'm off to bed, here's to a beautiful day! My hunny is staying with me tonight, yay!!! Good night and God bless!
P.s. Biopsy results will come Monday. Please pray for good progression from treatment! Love you all!

Day 14-I'm sun bathing in my pool of to take a dip?

I woke up this morning in a pool of my own hair, swam in it for some time, then nicely balled it into something pretty you all can look at;) Ivan would always complain about the massive "cat size" hair balls he would pull out of our tub, but these hair balls have absolutely nothing on those! If those were cats these are "LIONS!"
As I floated in my pool of hair I had a realization. I realized something I guess I hadn't really said aloud since I've been here, "I'm fighting for my life!?" "I'm fighting for MY life?!" I mean we fight for our lives everyday in a sense. We try and keep ourselves safe, keep our bodies healthy and avoid dangerous places right? But I'm competing against this sickness, and the grand prize is my life! Do I want this prize? Heck yes I want it!! I want it more than anything! I love life, it's incredible!!! I also thought a scary thing to myself. What if God wanted me to be with him instead of here on earth. I pondered that for some time yet felt peace. I don't feel scared. I've had an amazing life thus far! Ive accomplished almost everything I've ever wanted before the age of 23, I have no regrets. Is this crazy of me to want to continue living, breathing, and enjoying life yet also feel at ease/peace if I was chosen to leave? I fully trust in God's plan, I know he's got it all figured out....o that man up there, he's quite the character, but you gotta love him!!
Time for breakfast. Going to make sure I got a nice full tummy to give me strength to face the drill!! This time I will be popping in a headphone so I can listen to some enjoyable tunes instead of that loud rackety thing! Wish me well, I'll post you all updates afterwards! And do me a favor all today, do something you've never done in your life today....something crazy, spontaneous, and extraordinary( just stay safe;))!!!

Love you all!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day 13-It's the BEST day ever!!! (somebody pinch me!)

I don't know what it was in the air today, but today was exceptional:) Maybe it was the good rest I finally got last night or perhaps laying off the booze after yesterdays experience, but today was absolutely amazing!! I woke up in a chirpy and energized mood. I ate a good breakfast and went out for two laps around the floor. Ivan and I were visited by the hospital Chaplin this morning as well. It was so great to talk to him about all that is going on. He advised us on ways we can cope during this difficult time. He prayed over us both which left me in complete peace. I had the urge and spirit to even paint today! I busted out the white canvas Annabell sent me and painted away. It was so uplifting for me to sooth myself through art. As I stroked the brush against the canvas i felt myself escaping to another place.
Right before lunch I started to feel slightly nauseous. I asked the nurse for some nausea medicine which helped just in time for the arrival of my Taco Bell quesidilla;) mmmmm, and what a delicious quesidilla it was. I laughed to myself as I read the mild sauce packet jokes, and happily dripped the tangy sauce on my cheesy dila.
The rest of my afternoon was spent reading, followed by another walk and the Ellen show. It was just sooooo erie. After eating my hospital spagetti dinner I awaited for the typical headache, nausea, and drowsiness and NADA!!! "gosh!" I turned to my mom and said "estoy es muy muy extrano!" (this is really really weird) I took another walk, came back to my room and felt, dare I say it....normal?! I wanted to scream from the rooftops about how great I felt!! So I watched my American Idol as I ate cheez-itz and popcorn thinking to myself"patty, don't push it, you dont want to give yourself an ache by eating this junk!" Still, I ate the junk, and NADA!!! I turned to Ivan and said "seriously it's a miracle, I'm healed because I feel like I can just walk outside right now!!" I just finished brushing my teeth, and I'm sitting here mind boggled about how I almost went the entire day without taking any additional meds....
So maybe it's all the prayers you guys have been saying for me, because I can honestly tell you I felt pretty much normal today:) :) :) !!!!!!! Minus all the hair shedding today, which Ivan turned into his new facial hair lol, today was fantastic!! I don't want it to end!!! I'm pretty speechless right now if you can't tell...I don't know what to say...maybe it's a miracle?!?!
Tomorrow is the biopsy at noon....I ask that we all pray for a miracle that the chemo completely wiped out everything!!! Is that possible? I don't know God is sooooo faithful, and by the looks of today I know he is listening to all of us!!! Thank you all soooooooooo much for your prayers, positive energy, and thoughts!!!! I'm going to bed now because this is really freaking me out....

God Bless you all!!!!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

my machine gun

wiki.. says

A peripherally inserted central catheter (PICC or PIC line) is a form of intravenous access that can be used for a prolonged period of time (e.g. for long chemotherapy regimens, extended antibiotic therapy, or total parenteral nutrition). First described in 1975,[1] it is an alternative to subclavian lines, internal jugular lines or femoral lines which have higher rates of infection. Subclavian and internal jugular line placements may result in pneumothorax (air in the pleural space of lung)

lamen terms... iv line that goes straight to the heart

Day 12-Did I go to a Rockin party last night I don't remember about??

I woke up two additional times last night due to that late night pizza. But let me tell you, I don't regret it one bit; that pizza has been one of the best things that's ever happened to me;)
I've never experienced one of those really really bad hangovers people describe. Most of the supposed"hangovers" I've had have been nothing more than a mere headache a quick advil could kill. But I've seen the misery of people experiencing"the horrible, most terrible, hangover of their life" and it doesn't seem quite fun. It's the reason why I choose to limit my avoid that deadly no good feeling. But today, I feel I awoke experiencing "the horrible, most terrible, hangover of my life" minus the drinking. How could of this happened?? My theory is I must have snuck out of my bed, snapped my IV off, and crept out of this hospital to attend the nearest Baldwin Park house party and made it back into my bed just before 5am to get my blood drawn, making it impossible for my nurse to find out.
Nauseous, nauseous, nauseous, headache, headache, achey, achey, is what I felt all day. So the impossible has happened, I have experienced the "horrible, most terrible, hangover of my life" all without a drop of alcohol. It will forever be one of the world's greatest mysteries of how I managed to experience this horrendous feeling with a BAC (blood alcohol content) of zero. I will certainly be continuing my streak of limiting my alcohol intake to avoid ever feeling this disgusting way in the future.
Even with my "hangover" I managed to take two walks today and do the impossible...duh duh duuuuuuuh.....shower! I tell you this simple task I once did daily, has now become every three days. So don't be offended if I smell, it's part of the reason they make you wear a mask when you come in.
I spent the rest of my afternoon like any normal hungover person would, lying around wishing I hadn't drank that much last night and gone to that house party. I managed to do one productive thing today, cross an item off my list of " things I must eat before I lose my appetite." I was not visited by the golden arches this time but by the one and only golden star :) That's right people, I had a bacon western cheeseburger. As I used my knife to cut that burger in half I dedicated it to the person who taught me about this delicious "barbaqueness" of a burger, my big bro Roland Regalado. I still remember being a kid watching him lick that sticky BBQ sauce off his fingers. After I ate that sloppy mess I did what I had to do....took a walk. Followed by my walk I did what was expected, laid in a food coma like a normal hungover person would.
Later on I had a late night visit by my friends Suzy and Alex. I told them all about the crazy party I attended last night. Suzy commented she too had attended those crazy BP house parties in her time and still remembers those plastic red cups. She told me that if she had known I was interested in going out she would have pointed me in a better party direction.
So that was my day. I ended it nicely with the second most productive thing, I ate a scrumptious MIckey D's apple pie. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a far more productive day for me, I'm not going to any parties tonight, that's for sure:)(
Ivan will be staying with me tonight while my mama stays over with my cousin. I'm getting my biopsy done Thursday, please keep the results in your prayers. The oncologist commented to me today that the lymphocyte level has not come down as much as she would have liked, but the biopsy will be able to clearly tell her how the treatment has been working and how much more is necessary.
Say lots of prayers and keep following! Here's to day thirteen tomorrow.....

Ps Ivan says go dodgers!(suzy is writing this)

Problems with posting comments - ivan

Sorry for all the comment problems.... If you are still having problems posting comments try making a google account, if you are still having problems email me and I will get them fixed as soon as possible.
Thanks for all the support you have all given my wonderful wife, she is truly a blessing in my life

- Ivan

Monday, April 11, 2011

Day 11-An emotional ride

I woke up this morning feeling energized, happy, and ready for the day. Although I couldn't sleep last night, writing gave me a rush of enthusiasm to get my day going. Breakfast was ok this morning. I drank my nutrious shake and ate a blueberry muffin. I've been getting drowsy and get minor headaches after I eat, it's the strangest thing. The doctor assured me they are normal side affects. Still, I make my greatest attempts to stay sitting up after I eat to allow my body to digest and avoid heartburn. I went out for a morning stroll with my mama after breakfast. She was surprised to see I made it around the floor three entire times! I think it was the music I brought along with me. I popped in my headphones and used the music to pump myself up. It was like getting ready for a workout. It worked, so much that I used the music to pump me up and managed to take two other walks during the day. Once before dinner, and another time after.
For lunch I ate a delicious chipotle burrito:) although I missed having the luxury of eating it with sour cream, guacamole, and salsa. Still, I thought to myself, be thankful you can still eat. I rested some during the afternoon, but made sure Ivan awoke me to watch the Ellen show. I love Ellen, I want to write to her and just tell her how much she makes me laugh, and just how much her humor has helped me during this time...
It wasn't until after dinner, when I started to miss home. I don't know if it was the frustration of not liking my dinner or what, but I had an emotional breakdown. There I lied, asking Ivan to lay beside me as I cried on his shoulder. I don't know what came over me, but all I kept thinking about was Ivan and I's small little brown couch we both barley even fit on, and how I just wanted to be home. I would get so frustrated sometimes trying to cuddle up with Ivan and be comfortable on our mini love seat and complain we should get a bigger couch, and now that's exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be cramped up tightly on our hand me down mini couch in the most uncomfortable twisted position ever, next to my boo. I laid there for awhile, with my hand wrapped tightly in his and just let it all out. Ivan comforted me by saying I didn't have to hold it in, and it was ok to feel this way. I attempted to sketch, put on some music, and tried to think of happy thoughts, but instead I just lied there while gushes of tears rolled down my face I asked God to bring me some peace.
After some time I was brought that peace. I picked myself up and said to myself "I'm in control," and went for a walk with Ivan two times around the floor, all while playing some of our favorite tunes to keep my spirits up. When we returned from our walk I called my pal Suzy. I knew she would find a way to make me smile and come right over. She brought me some pizza, which I happily ate, even though it was already 9pm. Of course I got a stomach ache after, but it was so worth the taste;) I'm thankful for that girl so so much. I told her when I get out I'm going to owe her a million favors. My hubby wubby is staying with me tonight, and my mom will be staying at Suzy's. I've missed having him here at night beside me since it's been two days...So there it is my friends, my roller coaster ride for today. Its been quite distinct everyday. And although I shed some much needed tears, its ok, in the end I'm just thankful I didn't need a barf bag when I got off, just some good pizza and a good friend (Suzy Q).

Here's to another ride tomorrow!! Keep praying! Also, I would love to hear from you all that are following!! If you are reading, comment; I love replying!! Love you all!

Day 10- ahhhh Sunday, Gods day of rest

I know what you all are thinking, it's 4:30 am, what am I doing up? I just couldn't sleep, I've been writing in my head the past hour, and realized that I probably won't be able to go to bed until I get these thoughts out of my head. I didn't get a chance to update you all yesterday, I do apologize, but I feel God was giving me a day to truly rest. After the crazy migraine the night before and getting that morfin I woke up feeling a whole lot better. I'm not going to lie I was wiping mounts of drool off my face every hour, I was truly out;)
I ate like a queen yesterday, what can I say I'm pretty spoiled. My uncle brought me a delicious stack of blueberry pancakes in the morning, not to mention I finally had my favorite Salvadoran dish of all for lunch, pupusas revueltas! Mmmm, with platanos fritos of course and arroz con frijoles mezclados. My mom laughs at me saying,"are you sure you are Mexican, you seem to like all the central american food so much?" I just laughed back and told her maybe I just had a previous life there.
I spent my morning relaxed. Listened to pandora radio while doodling in a sketch pad my good friend and artist Sarah brought me. I doodle often here, it's very soothing for me. My sister in law Annabell sent me some paints and a canvas I can't wait to paint on!! I'm already brainstorming the design in my mind. As soon as I get that spurt of energy you best believe I'm going for it.(thank you sister Annabell!!)
My afternoon was peaceful. I rested, and was also visited by some friendly friends who I hadn't seen in years. Jonalisa and Giana came by! They are friends I met back at SF State's inner varsity Christian group. It was so great catching up with both of them. They brought me some exciting goodies, I'm looking forward to eating the candy most of all! They even made a dinner run for Ivan and I to give mr. Food pick up man(Ivan) a break. You two are absolutely wonderful, we are forever grateful!! I had yummy chicken flautas for dinner, I tell you, I'm spoiled;)
I caught up with my sister Rosie last night on the phone. I miss her so much, it made me happy to hear her little voice. I told her about my spoiledness, she just laughed and said"who cares, milk it!" I told her I felt like I was a pregnant woman. Im getting food cravings, making Ivan go get it for me, getting nausea, vomitting, morning sickness...she just laughed and said"well when you really become pregnant, you will have no problem with all the side affects!" To all you woman out there who have been pregnant, I understand your pain now, no wonder why moms love/hate their kids. "After all this,"I told Rosie, "maybe no kids??" "Yea right!" she said.
My mom is staying here for a few days with me, I'm so happy to have her around. Hilda(my mother in law), Nayra and Isaiah left yesterday:( I hope to see them again soon.
While I got up to pee a few hours ago I thought of a funny story that happened a few days ago I just had to share. Using the restroom is a bit of a challenge for me. My pick line is connected to an IV machine, so I have to roll the machine closer to the bathroom, untangle any cords, and make sure my cord is long enough to wrap my arm around my back for cleaning purposes ;) all in all it can be quite time consuming sometimes. The other day I must have felt the tingle a little too late, because once I managed to get up with the help from Ivan pushing my machine closer to the bathroom I missed:( Ivan stared at me in laughter and said"did you just pee yourself?" I couldn't do anything but shrug my shoulders and say"I couldn't help it, my body is weird right now." we both laughed as he stared at the wet mess on the floor. But to be quite frankly honest, it wasn't that big of a deal to me, it wasn't the first time I had wizzed myself. Back in the seventh grade my good friend Jaque and I found it amusing to pick on Rosie while she was sleeping. We would draw on her face, put up dumb signs around her, and just make her look like a fool. One time Jaque decided to place a pair of underwear on her head. To my surprise, I found it to be the funniest thing of all. I laughed so hard at the sight of Rosie sleeping there with a pair of underwear on her head, I peed my pants. Jaque was clever enough to develop a nickname for me after that night, "Pee Wiz Patty." it was funny at first, but I asked her to not let it get out at school, junior high is rough you know, I see it now more that I'm a teacher. Pee Wiz Patty faded, but it did come back to haunt me years later when I was 21 years old. This time the scenario was very different. I was in the car with my friends Suzy and chanti. Suzy and myself needed to get money from the ATM. I was sent out of the car to quickly run to the machine and get the money out for the both of us. I don't know what came over me. Maybe it was all the pin numbers I had to remember, feeling anxious or what. But as soon as I got to the ATM I felt a tingle and there was absolutely no bathroom in sight. Meanwhile Suzy gave me the time allotment of one loop around the entire building in her car. There was no need in saving me, right there and there by that ATM machine I relived my "pee Wiz Patty" nightmare once more. Suzy and chanti cried in tears of laughter. I sat on a large wade of newspaper on the way home thinking, "what kind of grown 21 year old pees her pants?? That's right, only me!" So let's just face it, this recent little peeing incident of mine isn't anything new. Once a pee er always a pee er. But if you ask me, I believe "peeing your pants is the COOLEST!!"

P.S. The CT scan they ran after the horrible migraine episode I had came back clear:) thank you for all those who prayed...I felt really nervous about it. God is listening!!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I must keep fighting!!

I cried last night. I have only cried one other time since I've been here, when I first learned of the diagnoses. After my blood transfusion I was overtaken by a horrible migraine. I tried to to just ice my head, the nurses suggested I go with the morfin, but I insisted Tylenol. The Tylenol didn't help, and after continuous throbbing, I decided it was best for them to give me the morfin. The doctor has continuously told me not to be afraid to take it, that I shouldn't tuff out the pain or suffer more than I need to. But I'm stubborn, and for a person like me who never even liked taking a simple advil when I had a headache, rather chose to just sleep it off, it's difficult. The morfin wasn't kicking in. I found myself rolling, shifting, and placing myself in every possible position I could think of where I wouldn't feel the tremendous thumping in my head. As the loud pulsating sound erupted from the side of my head my mom attempted to console me, but all I wanted was to close my eyes and fall asleep. I couldn't fall asleep,. I kept trying to just take myself out of by body, and stop thinking of the pain, but the pain was far to vivid. I was taken to radiology for them to run a CTC scan of my brain.. It made me so nervous, but they wanted to check for any abnormalities in the brain. I was rolled out in my bed, wearing a mask, with a pillow over my eyes because the light was just unbearable for my eyes. Ivan held my hand as the bed was pushed by the transporter. As soon as I began the scan, the loud din of thumping in my head began to diminish. I can't even begin to explain how hard my heart was racing in complete nerves while the scan was taken. As I was being rolled back to my room, the thumping slowly turned into a tapping, and I felt a lot better. I hadn't eaten dinner, Ivan had brought me pizza, so I ate, and with the little energy I had laid myself to sleep.
I awoke at three am last night, again with the thumping, I couldn't sleep. I agreed to the morfin this time right away, and boy did it help. I found myself wiping the drool off my mouth every hour:) I'm sitting up now, trying to not lay in bed so much, but my mom says just take it easy and not push myself too much. I'm craving pancakes, and I'm hoping they will make my day a little more happier...please pray about the ctc scan, that all looks well!! Love you all!

** a special thanks to my friend Lindsey Grant who came from San Diego to visit me yesterday!! I love the socks and plush animal Linds, you are the best!! It was so great seeing your lovely self:)

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Happy Birthday Mena!!

Although I can't be with you, I'm thinking of you, and know we will celebrate big once I'm out of here!! Have an amazing b-day Mena, love you!!!

Day 9-I'm a fast-food queen??

I had a good night last night. Chanti was an excellent nurse/roommate. We stayed up talking about how married life has been for her, all the cool wedding gifts she got, and just chattered away like two young girls at a sleepover. I'm hoping she got some rest amongst all the raquet around here. I honestly think she slept with one eye open all night, because every time I even moved the slightest she flinched and asked if I needed anything. But then again, that's just chanti, she's always had by back. I'm just glad she didn't have to catch any buckets of vomit last night, I'm guessing we didn't have enough tequila shots to take it to that extreme;)
I miss my ban when he doesnt sleep beside me at night. I missed him so darn much last night that I texted him during one of my early morning pees "missed you, how about that McDonalds?" Of course he agreed, how could he not. Man, I sure have been seeing those brightly colored arches often. I've never craved sausage mcmufffins and hash browns so much in my life before. This time around I felt highly ambitious and asked for not one, but TWO hash browns. My ambitions were met, I practically enhaled the food. Suzy dropped by early this morning. She made me a collage with all sorts pictures to hang on my wall, this place is slowly starting to feel more like a temporary home:) I was suprisingly visited this morning by beautiful mama and my uncle who drove her down here. My moms clear complextion, sweet smile, and gentle hands brought me so much joy. I felt this overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort, but I guess that's what moms do;) shortly after my mother in law Hilda arrived with Nayra (my sister in law). I hadn't seen Hilda in almost 3 weeks. I truly missed her, and seeing her made me feel so much closer to home. I also got a peak of Isaiah, as he waved to me from the door with the overwhelming large blue mask on his face. I'm sure the mask is giving him new ideas on wrestling costumes he can strut around the house in.
I'm receiving 2 units of blood today since my blood counts were nearing zero. I don't feel achey at all, just tired, without any energy. What can I say I'm pooped! Im digging through every inch of my body to find even one once of energy.Perhaps after getting some blood in me, I will start feeling more like my energetic self. I probably won't be quite ready to put on a show yet, but who knows blood is a pretty powerful thing ya know! It's quite fascinating, yet a little creepy to think I have someone else's blood in me. I wish I could kindly send a thank you letter to this generous person who has helped save my life. Well whoever you are, "thank you, thank you, thank you!!"
The nurses say I ask a lot of questions, and say it's the teacher in me. Maybe it is the teacher in me, but I'm just becoming so interested with the science of all this and all the procedures and protocol they must follow. I was never a fan of the sciences, but I guess when things start applying to you, you just start caring.
Well Im off to get my blood, wish my body well! Hopefully it will give me some color, I miss my rosie cheeks....

Friday, April 8, 2011

Day 8, I'm feeling like a sack of bones

I feel like I'm having a competition with my body. As my counts drop, I feel my body getting weaker, I'm beginning to feel very zombie like. This morning I struggled to get myself up for breakfast, my body felt glued to my bed. Still, I knew I had to eat, so I used whatever strength I had sat up in a chair and ate. I even pushed my sack of bones to take a stroll around my neighborhood floor. Walking around made me feel in a daze, lightheaded, as though each time I lifted my feet it was as if I were picking up 20lbs. I believe it was my bunny slippers that gave me the will power to continue hoping along my trail. When I arrived back to my cubicle I felt as if I had just ran a mile. I'm sure you have all felt that exhaustion before. Perhaps after working a long day, getting a tough workout, or pulling an all nighter. I was in complete exhaustion. I curled myself into a nice little ball on my bed, trying to strategize a plan for me to get the energy to shower. I did what I do best, I had Ivan blast pandora on the mana station, and began singing to my favorite Spanish tunes of juanes, shakira, and enanitos verdes. I had the music going while I showered, singing so loudly Ivan said I scared the housekeeper away in a laugh. It felt like a huge accomplishment. Something so simple like taking a shower, is quite the mission.
I had a yummy peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. I have never looked forward to a pb and j sandwich so much before. I even began to sing"it's peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time" as my sandwitch arrived, all while my nurse O laughed. Ivan says I ask her too many questions, but I'm just trying to get to know her better I tell him. Nurse O injected my chemo through my IV around 2, and as she did we conversed about her life and how she became a nurse. Her story is quite the inspiring one. She raised her three kids all on her own, and returned back to school when her children were grown. She's extremely dedicated to delivering the best for her family. She mentioned a very insightful thought to me, " you can have all the money in world, but those riches don't go to the grave with you. Family is the most Important thing in this world, and I try and instill that idea everyday on my kids." Shes quite the woman I tell you.
After the chemo, I started to feel rather loopy, achey, so I slept. I passed out for about 2hrs. I woke up and had dinner. Pasta with chicken and red sauce. I had an itch to eat pupusas, but Ivan said tomorrow would be best as he sang "you can't always get what you want!"
My good friend Chanti will be bunking with me tonight to give Ivan a break. I told her it will be like our old college roommate times, minus the tequila;) I hope she manages to get some sleep amongst all the wake up calls.
Here's to a good night rest I'm hoping, and for treatment to continue running smoothly. Love you all so much!!!

A shout out to Diana Resendiz!!

Thank you so much for visiting last night Diana!! I was so happy you brought me all sorts of goodies:) my favorites were the images of our father and Mary, that I happily hung on my "dorm room" wall. Also,, Ivan and I really enjoyed praying the padre pio chaplet last night, so thank you from the bottom of my heart, you are the best!!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

A whirlwind of a tummy ache

Food has never tasted so pleasant:) This morning I was spoiled by Ivan with delicious French toast. Although my taste buds are off, I am so ever thankful for what I can taste. We eat everyday without even thinking about where are food comes from, and how lucky we are to have all sorts of flavors we can indulge in. I've grown to be so much more thankful for food since I've been here. I've realized how beautiful it is to have the ability to share meals with friends, family, and how every bite should be savored and appreciated. After lunch today, I had a horrible stomach ache. I want to blame it on the weird assortment of items I ate, but who knows. My bowel movements have been off lately(sorry if this is tmi) so I kept returning to the restroom hoping I could rid the ache in that way. It was somewhat successful after several visits to my second closest friend's house (the toilet, since I use the restroom like 12 times a day:)). I kept returning to my bed hoping the ache would come to an end. My nurse was about to give me a dose of morfin, but I suggested I sleep it off, and that it was fading. Thankfully after some rest it was gone:) I snaked on some cheez it's while watching Ellen with Ivan, super happy that I was feeling better.
Being stuck in "this dorm room" all day has started to make both Ivan and I restless. It's hard to maintain patience towards one another when we are confined inside four small walls. I know it must be just as hard for him to be here, maybe even more difficult, as it is for me. He's given up his life for me, and I truly love him for that. Please pray that we continue to have ultimate patience towards one another.
Ivan is spoiling me for dinner tonight. I'm having chicken Alfredo, since the white tray with my dinner bears a scoop of mashed potatoes underneath, and you all know how I feel about those mushy taters. I also must get out for a stroll today, my nurse O will be in tomorrow, and i'm sure she will be asking about my walking. Going to take my first best friend out for a walk (my IV machine). Can't wait for the results from American Idol tonight!! I hope Paul McDonald doesn't get eliminated, he's my favorite:)
Tomorrow will be the one week mark of my treatment, yay!! I'll be getting the van.....something, sorry I don't know how to spell it. It's part of the chemo treatment and I will be receiving it through my pick line. I'm looking forward to getting some visitors this weekend. Hilda, my mother in law will be coming to visit with Nayra and Isaiah. My sister Rosie will also be coming on Saturday! I'm hoping Ivan will be able to take a break then...well that's my two cents for the day, thanks for following friends!! Love you all!!

Missing the nieces and nephew

I woke up missing my nieces/ nephew today:( I miss Cyndy's cleverness, and her chill out attitude. I miss ceci's optimisim, high spirits and her willinginess to help. I miss Joci's sweet smile, her flimsy skeleton self, and her secret crazy inner side. I miss my little crazy Cristal, who never fails in brining us a good laugh. She's quite the entertainer I tell you! I miss my nephew Isaiah, his wrestling fein self, his high energy, and silly ways with me. I miss them all so dearly! Here's to you munchkins, can't wait to see you!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Day 6

They're just minor headaches. I'm trying to train myself to think these headaches are minimal, but it's difficult. We have great power over our brains and pain is just an idea. I remember when I was in high school running cross country, I used to think I would never be able to run eight miles. "How would I be able to push myself," I'd ask. I've been thinking about how I was able to manipulate myself to think I wasn't feeling any pain and train my body to go further than I ever thought I could go. A good friend of mine named Chandler told me that he thinks of himself as a machine when he runs. He tells me he trains his brain to eliminate pain and exhaustion. I think back to the feeling of glory after I would finish a 3 mile race and reminisce back when I felt my weakest, I also felt my strongest. But training ones brain this way is a challenging thing to do. But I know there is more pain to come and I could only hope to prepare my mind into thinking it's only minimal because pain is temporary but the feeling of triumph lasts forever.
With that thought, besides the minor headaches today was a good day. I managed to get out of my four wall dorm room and take two strolls around my neighborhood floor. Let's not forget I was able to watch American Idol tonight, ironically I think back to when the season first started and Ivan and I would cuddle on our small couch and tune in every Wednesday and thursday night and now we tune in from a hospital room and although we can't cuddle on our nice little couch at home I keep telling myself it's only temporary....we'll be home soon.
My list of things I need to eat before I completely lose my appetite is quickly getting shorter. My good friend Suzy went on an adventureous scavenger hunt today. Her determination to bring me one of my favorite dishes (Cuban garlic chicken) was fully met. That was my second dinner for the night, I might add. The sweet fried platanos truly hit the spot! I'm thankful to have a friend like Suzy who would run every and any spotlight just to get me that meal. And as she sits here late at night typing this for me I can't help but feel so thankful to have met someone like her. It's been a blessing in disguise that I ended up getting treatment in LA. Because my good ol friend Suzy is only 5 minutes away.
Thank you God for a good day. Keep praying and keep following.

The golden arches

Young children everywhere are introduced to the infamous golden arches everyday. You know what golden arches I speak of, the famous Ronald McDonald of course;) although this monopolized, cheap food establishment has it's many faults, it never fails in bringing smiles. For the past two to three days I've had a large craving to sink my teeth into a sausage mcmuffin and hash brown from the golden arches. Ivan exclaimed to me that it wasn't healthy, it was too darn greasy, and risky for me to eat. I, on the other hand felt differently, so I spoke to my nurse. She stated that I go ahead and eat now while I still had somewhat of an appetite. I turned to Ivan with eyes clearly saying"see I told you so" and politely requested the greasy mcmuffin and hash brown for breakfast. I dreamt about the experience all last night. I thought about the taste, the smell, the sweet sweet sensation of that cheap food smoothly flowing to the back of my throat.
The time soon came. This morning I woke up in huge excitement! My sister parted early to make the run before the breakfast hours at mcdonalds house were over. I sat up in my bed, savoring the moment, while my taste buds had a party of their own in my mouth. My sister soon arrived with the notorious white bag, I saw those bright yellow arches and like I said before, I couldn't help but smile. I was a kid once more. I wasn't looking forward to a plastic toy, rather that round muffin filled with sausage and cheese, o boy!! You best believe all that was left was a crumpled up piece of yellow wrapping after I was done:) It was amazing!!! Bar a pa pa pa, I'm lovin it;)

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Good news :)

Great news everyone!! Results just came back from spinal tap, and it was negative for leukemia in central nervous system!! Yay, my brain is safe!! Please keep praying that it stays clean and safe;) thanks all!

Can I please re live this moment?

Have you ever had a meal soooo darn delicious, you get to the end, look at your empty plate in dismay, sadness, maybe even a small tear comes rolling down your cheek? Where did it go? You think to yourself. You start to wish you can go back in time, and eat that meal all over again...I had this feeling today :) it might not have been the carls jr western bacon cheeseburger on my list, but it was a burger, and let me tell you it was absolutely heavenly. My sister Hilda opened the takeout meal, and at that second my eyes opened wide. I was a kid again at Christmas opening the gift I had been wanting the most. I began to indulge in this delicious monstrous burger of mine. Taking such big bites my sister had to remind me to breath. It was heaven, it was tasteful, it was something else besides mashed potatoes. Happily my food indulgence came to an end. And as I stared down at what was left, there it was, the wish for me to re live it just once delight I laid my head back and replayed the delicious experience in my mind a few times. ;) my nurse O will be coming in soon, and I must not let her down, so walking I must go, especially after the indulgence I had :)
Here's to food! Let's thank God for the food we eat every day, even the food we don't like! Praise it's ability to nourish our bodies, and give us energy to live life just a little bit fuller....mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm good:0

Watch for those hard ass lemons

They say when life throws you lemons make lemonade. But sometimes life can throw some pretty hard ass lemons so hard you can't even get a drop of lemonade out. I've realized that when one faces a challenge you can handle it one of two ways. One can run into a corner and curl oneself up into a ball, cover ones eyes and pretend like the problem isn't there. And sometimes that's ok to do, but in this case I need to handle this challenge in a different way. I need to except the problem, face it, fight it, and realize even though it looks really scary and my shield might not hold up and I'm well aware that I will get hit by those hard ass lemons... It's ok. Those hard hits from the lemons will eventually just become bruises and heal. And eventually with time the challenge will fade, and it will be nothing more but a battle story of triumph to tell.
And that's what happens in life. You might break up with a boyfriend/girfriend, get a divorce, go bankrupt, get a bad grade on a test, fail a class, get sick, the list goes on and on. Buts it's about how you choose to handle the situation that shapes you into the person you want to become. I want this battle to mold me stronger, to make me a fighter, to motivate me to advocate...and to be a true story of triumph to tell our children one day. So with any life battle you have to fight remember to pick up your shield, and be prepared because you will get hit with those hard lemons; but it's better to get hit by those lemons, learn and heal then to run in a corner and hide from it all. If anything, it will make an interesting story to tell ;)
So take your cover, and fight back!!

I love food...

Things I want to eat before I completely loose my appetite:
1. Sausage mcmuffin with a hash brown
2. Cuban food, garlic chicken with platanos fritos
3. Pupusas revueltas
4. Western bacon cheeseburger
5. Green chicken enchiladas
6. Lots of sherbet ice cream

And please nooooo mashed potatoes, the next time I see them I just might flick them in someone's face!! Haha ;)

Monday, April 4, 2011

CAUTION: This content may be cheesy, too cheesy for your liking

Mi Esposo, My Husband

I have an amazing husband, I can not lie, someone who has been near at my side. Although it may seem cheesy, as cheesy as can be to write about him, I dare say, " I'm opening this cheese can for he." so take out your best crackers, with salt I feel, you would prefer, cuz it's about to get cheesy up in herr...

He's a goof ball I tell you, always making me laugh. Impersonating every nurse, doctor, and staff, he's really got it down to the max. So down, that he even fooled me! "knock knock" I hear. "Mrs. Ramirez, it's time to take your blood." I turn to my friend and angrily mutter under my breath, "Ah Shit! It's the third time today." to my pleasant yet upsetting surprise it was my hubby just in disguise.

He's been my #1 DR., always I tell you, harassing me! "did you drink your water,
Did you take the meds, did you brush your teeth, did you rinse your mouth, did you, did you, did you??"

"yes I have 'Mr. Regalado'" as I glee with a small smirk. I joke with him, since the nurses/ staff have all called him this by mistake.

He's been by my side every night, every tear, every laugh, every fear. I can't complain, he's a darn good roommate here. Except when he's infused with his PSP, that's when I can't get him to do "nothing for me lol". With his stylish blue mask, it's hard to steal kisses, but every once in awhile he manages to cheat and kisses me on the forehead right before I go to sleep. :-)

He's great I tell you! Even if he does like the Dodgers, I guess that can be his one minor fault. Through and through, he's more than I can ask for. God truly knew what kind of man to pick for me, minus the part about the Dodger fein.

So there's my cheese, I'm sorry it just sprayed out! I hope it didn't get anywhere it won't come out! I'm just so proud to have a husband like Ivan by my side.

Todays roller coaster ride-day 4

This ride I'm taking is like the craziest roller coaster you've ever been on. I think of myself getting onto this roller coaster every morning, straping on my seat belt, and anticipate what it will feel like this time around. Of course there are some parts of the roller coaster that are bumpy some that are scary, some that make you sick, and some that make you laugh. And then there are those really suspenseful parts, you know which parts I'm talking about, the part where the roller coaster shoots up really high making you feel excited and nervous all at the same time. And then comes the part when your right at the top and you shoot straight down, you feel like your stomach just went through your heart. I feel all these feelings and emotions all at once. Then comes the part when the roller coaster must come to an end. I start to feel calm, peace, that tomorrow will be a different day, a different experience on this roller coaster. As I unbuckle the seat belt, I shake out my hair and there's a vomit bag waiting for me, just incase the ride was a little to crazy that day, if you know what I mean "wink" ;0


I felt like today was going to be a good day, and it was for the most part. Ive been loosing sleep in thinking about what to write. I start writing in my brain around 5 am after they come take my blood samples and give me my meds. Once again I woke up to my gooey oatmeal, it calls me by my name now. I've been getting these really bad headaches after I eat. My nurse O is super strict on me. She tells me I'm getting these headaches because all I do is lie in bed. She's harsh, yet she's being honest. I didn't want to have to eat or even look at another scoop of mashed potatoes today, so I requested chicken parmiagiana, mmmmmmmm;) while I waited for my yummy parmigiana to get here, i decided to shower. I wasn't really feeling up for a shower, yet my tuff nurse exclaimed " you still havn't gotten up? What are you just going to lie there in your own filth?" As harsh as it sounds, I knew it was true. My blue gown needed to be changed and my body odor was beginning to stinck up the room hehe. My shower was a little disappointing. I started to feel nausea, and as I started to turn off the water, chunckety chuncks came out ( for lack of better words). I wanted to curl up in a ball, which is exactly what I did afterwards. After another dorm room change (that's what I'm calling it) I was loaded with meds to help alleviate the nausea, headaches, and the strange heartburn I had as well. I passed out for about 2 hrs. When I awoke, all I wanted was to finally eat mi chicken parmigiana!! And that's what I did, mmmmm I thought, finally a change in my food pallet. Boy was that chicken delicious....I received a visit from one of my favorite newlywed couples, Chanti and Roger. Chanti brought me a very soft and velvety robe for me to wear, which I will as soon as I get it washed. My nurse O came in again asking me if I had done any walking yet today. I relplied with a soft tone, " no." "well then, what are you waiting for, you are not confined to this room, you need to exercise your lungs, now unplug that IV machine because it's your new best friend, and go out and walk!" she said in a stern yet sincere voice. So that's what I did, I slipped on my festive bunny slippers, and took 2 laps around the floor with Ivan, chanti and Roger. I was excited to be out of the room, I waved to my previous nurses with excitement I shouted "I'm walking!" my nurse O was proud, and commented to me that I needed to take a swing around the floor more often, I responded jokingly back "yes mom." I like this nurse, she really pushes me, and although she might not seem like she shows me tender and care, it's the tough love I need. I need to stay strong, and not lay in bed all day, rather try and do the daily movement I would normally do if I were not here. Nurse O will be with me once more tomorrow...and I can honestly say I'm looking forward to the toughness, I need it now more than ever ;) Richell and Anthony will be leaving tomorrow, and my sister Hilda will be coming into town. getting visitors is fun, it certainly makes my time run a lot faster here. Well that's all for today folks, keep on following, and keep praying! Love you all soooo much ;) God bless

Sunday, April 3, 2011

All in all a GOOD day... Day 3 Chemo

I miss my students. I've been thinking about them a lot lately. They truly are motivating me to stay strong and get well soon. My goal is to be back in the classroom teaching them kids! Even the ones I don't like sometimes, I miss them too. Last night my mama stayed with me, it was nice to have her around. The change in roommate was nice. Didn't have to see Ivan's face for a night (haha jk). I got a really good rest, I feel my mom did too, I could tell by her snoring! Haha... I was so comfy in my bed, that I didn't want to get up for breakfast this morning. My gooey oatmeal was calling my name! So I propped myself up, sat in the chair and ate away! Sarah and Joel came by, and also my cousin's Maritza and Adrian. Lucky for me I was feeling well and was able to converse with them. They were kind enough to bring me a magazine on the upcoming royal wedding. Lunch was also good. I had mashed potatoes (of course) and vegetable lasagna. Then came the chemo around 3pm. I started feeling very drowsy and tired, I fell asleep for a few hours. My mom and cool cousin Marcos left in the afternoon. I feel my mom left very content and happy to see I was doing well amongst all her nervousness. By the time dinner came around, I wasn't really looking forward to mashed potatoes once again, yet I tried my best to eat through my leftover never-ending thanksgiving dinner. I started getting a headache and wasn't up for continuing to eat so I decided to lie down. After some rest, I felt very well. I got some late night visitors, Richell and Anthony, who came all the way from Modesto. Richell brought me some sexy sweatpants from Victoria secret, I'm hoping to sport that rather than my typical blue gown get up. She also brought me a jar colorfully decorated with puff paint filled with all sorts of wishes, quotes, and funny comments all from friends and family and I can't forget the nice basket. My favorite part was a necklace with the word "survivor" on it. I was also visited by a pair of last minute visitors the beautiful, lovely Chana ( Suzy is typing this by the way) and her boo Alex. I truly missed my Chana banana! I see her as often as I eat mashed potatoes! All in all is was a pretty good day, no vomiting. Just s lil tired but it was great to have great friends and family here with me today. I will not be having chemo tomorrow, rather the doctor will be watching my counts, let's hope that these last few days of chemo have been successful in figting the fight! Cheers to a good day.....keep following..... keep me in your prayers.. One last thing my night nurse who is a quite and shy petite Asian man just recently came to give me my meds, I hate what they taste like so I sat up shot them to the back of my throat with lots of water all while Suzy was saying "dang patty you taking shots now!" we started chanting "shots, shots,shots, shots, everbooody," the nurse looked up with strange eyes and said " oh my, is there a party in here." I replied " yeah didn't you get the invite? you ain't gotta go home but you gotta get the heck outta here!" jk Hope I didn't scare him too much, he still has 10 hours left in his shift. But in my defense blame it on the Che- eee-eee-ee-mo....... and that's a rap!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Just a little under the weather, day #2 chemo

It can be quite difficult getting sleep in this hospital, I haven't had a good night rest since I've gotten here. People are constantly knocking on my door to check my vitals, give me meds, and draw blood. Last night wasn't any different,I've been getting my best sleep between 6 and 10 am. This morning I woke up with quite a pleasent suprise, my momma was here and cool cousin marcos. I was increadibly happy to see them. My moms pink Rosie cheeks and bright smile lightened up my morning. For breakfast, the mushed up eggs and cream of wheat weren't that appealing. I drank my nutritious shake and started to get nauseous, so I laid down a bit. It sucks not looking forward to meals, i have no appetite; but I know I must eat. Lunch was a little better, I'm starting to think it's thanksgiving everyday here, I've had mashed potatoes perhaps 1 to 2 times a day. I was greeted by a large lump of mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and peas. I took a deep breath and whispered to my food " I will eat you". I never even thought I liked peas I guess I do now. My mom said I'm gonna start liking more things Iv'e never thought I would, moms are always right. After lunch I felt really good I received some more visitors ivans padrenos, my cousin lupe and my cousin Juan who lives in the area, and my good friend Sarah and Joel. My treatment started at 2 pm today yet I continued to feel good and converse with my visitors about how I got here, life, and just enjoying the company. It wasn't until dinner, after eating just a little, that I felt nauseous , let's just say I had my first little throw up fest. Lest just say my mom is a good catcher "wink". My headache was really intolerable so I decided to lay down. When I woke up around 7 I started to feel a little better but I still had the headache. My mom feed me some mandarins which were quite delicious. I decided to ask the nurse for some tylenol for the headache, but when I took it round number 2 of the throw up fest. 2 points for mom and her catching skills. That time Sarah came in, let's just say it was bad timing, I attempted to converse with her but my energy was dwindling, so she decided to come back in the morning. The nurse gave me the Tylenol once again since the previous one was floating in a bucket of vomit. I know lie in bed feeling a little better, and as Ivan types this for me I think to myself " I made it thru my first throw up fest". Of course there will be many more to come, I'm just hopping I have some good catchers around. Thanks for reading keep on following and praying here's to another day tomorrow!!!

The fight begins, day one chemo

Last night I couldnt sleep much I was feeling nervous, anxious, and uncertainty of what was to come. I new I was going to begin chemo tomorrow and on the list of things to do was receiving my pick line and a spinal tap and starting chemo did not sound very fun. On the morning I woke up feeling like it was the start of something new, it was the first day of my fight and I was ready to move forward and have my boxing gloves on. At approxamitly 10 am I was taken to the radiology depatment to get my pick line inserted, for those of you who done know what a pick line is, its sorta like an IV but with 2 lines that you can insert and remove liquid. The doctor placed my arm inside the xray to get a good view at a good juicy vein. This would be the vein my chemo would be inserted through. The procedure was sorta ackward, my arm was already sore from a previous IV. They numbed up my arm but I could still feel the needle inside moving, kinda felt like a worm slithering. The procedure was rather short though, the doctors quickly wrapped it up within 20 minutes. I left with my arm feeling rather sore, I felt like I just finished a kick boxing class, working my arm out to the extreme. There it was check #1 off my list, I was one step closer to starting the chemo. Later on that afternoon I had a spinal tap (lumbar puncture) a needle was inserted into my spine, to not only take out fluid but also to instert a little bit of chemo just in case leukemia cells were moving toward my awesome brain ( says Ivan). The procedure was surprisingly the least painful thing I went through, again just a little ackward, lucky for me I had my awesome hubby around me to talk me through the procedure. The fluids looked clear when they took it out, hopefully it was a good sign. I will be getting the results in a couple of days, please pray for these results. There it was check #2 off my list. A few hour later I was prepped with medication , steroids to help the chemo move thru, something for my my nausea, and something for my headache. I would give you the technical terms for it I just haven't quite remembered them. A few hours later around 4 the bags arrived, my chemo was here. It looked like a bag of strawberry jam and the process began, again I felt anxious and nervous at the same time. The chemo took about 30 minutes to go into my system. Afterwards I felt some small headaches and nauseas feelings but not to bad. Later that night I felt better and received some rest. My friends Susie and Jen came and later on my friend Helen, she was kind enough to bring me unscented burts bee lotion, which is awesome because smells make me nauseous. Helen also brought me four magazines to keep me entertained. Later I was also visited by my sister in law Annabell who I missed dearly, Ivan said he didn't with a smile. It was so great to see close friends and family, almost like a mini celebration of the start of my treatment. Overall I felt like the side affects weren't so bad today and hoped that tomorrow would be the same. Thank you friends keep on following

Journey here continued

After receiving the blood transfusion, the doctor noted the lack in growth in my white blood cell count. She quickly explained to me that she would be running a bone marrow biopsy on me to check for any abnormalities. Bone marrow biopsy I thought!!! What is that, is it going to hurt?? The day came for the procedure, Ivan was with there with me. I saw it as a practice for him for child labor hahaha! The procedure called for her to stick a needle all the way down to my bone, numb the area, and take another needle to remove a sample from inside my bone. Turns out, I have pretty hard developed bones, and her attempts to get the sample in that way failed. So she used a drill. The procedure was kinda hilarious though, Ivan commented that the doctor would stand up and wipe her sweat from her forehead and say" you have very strong bones" " you have very strong woman!!!!" I thought it was funny and told her everyone always commented that I was strong for my size ;) I used whatever strength I had to push my back towards her to make it easier to collect the sample. Finally it was over, she had it!! All in all the biopsy took about 45 minutes. I rested and couldn't move for half an hour. When the results came back it was clearly stated to me that there were no white blood cells being produced in my bone, it was completely dry. The final diagnoses came on Thursday March 31, 2011 ( Cesar Chavez day of course, si se puede!!) I was diagnosed with Acute lymphocytic (lymphoblastic) leukemia. The doctor began to have arrangements to start my chemotherapy the very next day.
I didn't know what to think when I found out, I out of all people had cancer??...I always thought I lived a healthy life, I'm young, but I slowly began learning and accepting that this can happen to any of us. I've made my efforts in transferring any bad thoughts into good energy, continuing to tell myself that God never gives any of us more than we can handle. And if God picked me to go through this difficult experience it's because he knows I am strong, capable, and wants to only give me more power and strength!! I feel special now, and I know that me undergoing this experience will serve in giving me more will power than ever and confidence that I can and will do anything I set my mind to!! So it's set, I'm going for an attack on this cancer!! Going to kick this thing in the ass(excuse my language) and send it right back where it cam from!! I will be writing, or at least attempting to write everyday about how I'm feeling with the chemo, funny stories, thoughts I have, prayer requests, and so on. So hop on and join the ride, because it's gonna be a RIDE!! ;) thank you for following!!