I felt angry last night. For the first time. I felt angry at the fact I couldn't enjoy one of my favorite meals because my taste buds were off, and feel nauseaded at the thought of it now. I felt anger because people say they will call and never do. I felt anger because people say they will drop by and never do. I felt angry that I cant cook my own food or eat home cooked meals. I feel angry that my butt and lower back are constantly sore. That this kinck in my neck just won't go away. I feel angry at the fact that I havent gotten a full nights rest without being woken up at least once. I feel angry that I wake up one to two times during the night in my pool of sweat. And even when I turn my pill over, it's still wet. I feel angry that my hair is poking my neck and is always all over my shirt. Gosh I even feel angry because I can't sleep right now. I feel angry that I'm connected to a machine that beeps obnoxiously every hour. I feel angry that I can't sleep next to Ivan in our own comfy bed. I feel angry about the fact I don't know what is to come....I can't have a plan, and that's hard for someone like me. As I look back at what I just wrote, I realized I started off by saying I felt anger to I feel. I feel better now getting it off my chest! I feel angry! As much as Ive made the positive out of these things, I have the right to be angry too!
Grrrrrrrr.....I breath, I feel so much better now maybe I can finally rest.
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Patty- you are fighting for your life, you are fighting with every ounce of strength you have, and maybe you need to be a little angry! Maybe that is the spark you need to get ahead in this battle you are in. You have the right to feel every emotion that has ever been felt, and we all still will believe in you and support you. It is ok to be angry, and make sure to kick that anger in the butt and make it work for you! Use it to push yourself one more lap on your walks, use it to make yourself eat those last bites of food, use it to win! You can do this Patty, you got this girl!
ReplyDeleteGosh Alyssa, that's exactly what I needed to hear!! thank you for that!! Going to use the anger and channel it to fight, to win!! I love it, thank you:)
ReplyDeleteHey girl. I think I would be slightly worried if you didn't feel angry at some point. Anger is good as you acknowledge it, own it, and eventually release it and allow God to fill you with a new sense of peace or re-channel it!! I've been following your posts. Sadly, I have a close family member battling cancer at the moment, I wish his results were as positive as yours girl. Thanks for keeping us up to date, you're inspiring, lady! xo jill
ReplyDeleteHoney we are all so angry that this would happen to our miss patty why couldn't it be One of us that have gotten a chance to live a's long a's we have but there are no answers god knows I wish I had some for u and Ivan and those of us that are much older would give anything to trade places with you so know that we all are mad as hell and angry beyond belief your anger is long over due but know you be as angry a's u need to be and the rest of us will keep praying and telling anyone that will listen that you miss patty are goi g to be okay because we won't have it any other way. So if need be throw things yell scream anything you need to do to get on with your life and if all of us have anything to say about it, it will be a long and beautiful life. Love Nana KK Bella Lisa and Poppy
ReplyDeletePlease know that I am angry with you.. even if I can not be there with you to hold your hand. I pray for wisdom for Drs to treat you with the medication you need, for nurses to see to your every need and comfort you so you are not in pain. I pray for family to surround you with love... and finally I KNOW that through this you can be a strong young lady, and a witness of your faith. You have a right to be angry.. and after you have anger you will find peace.
ReplyDeleteJill, thanks for saying that! we all have the right to be angry, I guess I forget sometimes! But God can truly channel that anger into peace. I painted the anger away, and laid it all out for him...it really helps getting it off ones chest! Your words made such great sense Jill, thank you!! I will be praying for your family member that is battling this awful thing too! I pray for a miracle;). Gosh I'm sorry to hear. How's your dad doing Jill? Thanks again Jill, your words really consoled my heart:)
ReplyDeleteLinda! Well thanks for being angry with me! But I know it's Gods plan...and something great will come of it so no need to switch places! I trust completely. Missing you all can't wait to see you!
Lenora, thank you soooo much for that! I have found peace. Interesting how we need to accept anger to find it:) I miss you dearly, can't wait to see you!!