Thursday, April 28, 2011

Day 28- I've never been a quitter...

I've never been a quitter. Sometimes I feel I was born with some kind of strange bionic battery that makes me keep going and going. I live for staying busy for doing something. I feel part of my crazy ambition came from my parents. Ive seen them struggle so much to give me wonderful opportunities they never had. I just don't know any different, Ive always been this way. I'm patty on the go! And if you know me well, you know why I say that!;) But it's just who I am, who I've always been! Today was difficult. I had a moment where I finally understood what it felt like to want to quit. I've never even knew that word existed in my vocabulary. Me a quitter? I've never quit anything in my life. The biopsy today was by far the toughest one yet. Although this was the third time around my doctor was unable to attain a good sample from the first (it was dry) so she had to go in with the drill once more right next to the previous location. The biopsies before were mostly awkward, but this one was just more painful and sore. After the procedure was over I lied on my back and started to cry. I was completely sore and exhausted. I felt the feeling...I understood finally why it's so easy to quit. I'm exhausted!! It's been 35 days here, I'm exhausted! My body is being pushed in a way I've never experienced before. It's like I'm on the edge of this beautiful cliff gripping so tightly with the little strength I have, yet it's so easy to just let go. I don't want to let go, "heck no" I won't let go, but I finally get why it's so easy to. My friend Suzy did some breathing exercises with me and reminded me of this special hiking place we discovered in SF one day. She told me to imagine the feeling of being there, relaxing, and assured me I was almost done with this part. She then proceeded to make me laugh with some inappropriate comment I won't disclose which made me feel a whole lot better;) "Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else in the world would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength." My friend Sarah placed that quote on my wall when I first was admitted into the hospital. It didn't make as much sense to me as it does now. I've never been a quitter, and I don't plan on becoming one! You all are sooooo important in this battle! I will show true strength you best believe it!

Love Yo all, keep praying for good biopsy results!!


  1. Way to keep your chin up lady! Quitting is easy but regret lingers, so it's best to push and see just how much we can handle. Sorry about the lousy biopsy. Nos vemos pronto!

  2. Paty I know how you feel...just remember that its okay to feel like you want to quit. Its normal in your situation. Your body and mind will be pushh to limit that you don't think you can't take it anymore....but mija we are here for you to help you get thru those times! You have lots of people here to support you and I know that you are strong and you are a great positive women...God will give you the strenght and he will hold you and remind you that you can do it. I wish I could be there holding your hand like I did for Mike when he got his bone asperations done. I know that we will never know how much pain you are in, but I know that we can help by letting you know that we are here for you. My children and I will always be here for you and will continue to pray for you.

    Maria Montes

  3. Tonia, you are right! We end up suprising ourselves when we push!

    Maria, thank you sooo much!!! You always have great words for me! Thank you for your constant prayers!