I want to stay positive. I am positive damn it! but after having a 2 week break from horrific chemicals entering my body, its hard to be positive. I cried all day today (monday) I could have probably made a nice cool pool out of all my tears. I wish i could that way i could have something to swim in after this is all over. it would even be salty to resemble the ocean.
I was completely dreading the sick feeling i would get at this upcoming chemo cycle. Flashbacks of my worse days at the hospital came to mind. I mean how could i not cry? i knew the break would only be temporary, but after having 2 wonderful weeks of freedom with friends and family and not having to think about cancer, shit its hard not to cry. Staying positive is hard when i have all these negative thoughts bouncing around: you still almost have 2 years of this, the worst is to come, no one understands this pain...
Monday I go and get my picc line dressing changed and I'm handed a schedule of my upcoming treatments "whoa, whoa" I say. " I thought i was supposed to be here at 12:30 for treatment not 8:30?" "well," the nurse replied " your doctor decided to fill in some more chemo this week" can they just do that? I walked in with one appointment and walked out booked for the rest of the week, there go my plans! My planner now revolves around my chemo treatments people, so if you would like to hang out please direct your calls to my nurse so she/ he can pencil you in. I come home frustrated as heck and start to fill my imaginary ocean like pool to its edge.
I had a talk with my sister (hilda) and listened to her as i heaved in tears. She told me that my aunt in Mexico, who is also getting chemo has days similar to the ones im having. My cousin Liz had told her that my aunt would dread the day before starting chemo again after being off for three days, and how she would tell my cousin " can i just skip this treatment?" My cousin Liz would have to cheer her up and tell her she just had to get throught it and go, even thought she admits she could just tell her mom " yea mom, just stay home." By friday after the treatment was over my aunt would thank my cousin for pushing her to go and get through the treatment. I've been on a hiatus, i need a push to help get to the finish line. My sister, Mena, and my sister in law gave me the push i needed to get to bed and wake up this morning ready to keep fighting and stare this stupid chemo/ cancer in the eye and say "you will not defeat me!" These girls filled me with the cofidence i needed, thank you so much!
(Tuesday)I checked in this morning bright and early to what i now call my second home. I took my place in chemo chair #12 and thought of Europe " i must keep fighting to see europe!" I said to myself. not only did this thought get me through my treatment but as i had these toxins pushed into me I chatted away with another cancer patient right next to me. We shared about our horrid side affects and the ways our lives have changed. It was so nice to feel and know im not the only one. Its so nice to talk to someone who understands my pain and why its sometimes its so hard to be positive. We both laughed about the ridiculous procedures we had been through and were going to go through. I told her i just found out i would be having to inject myself 7 days straight after every one of these treatments. She told me about the time she got thresh in her mouth and couldnt eat for 7 days. I mean seriously, how can you stay 100% positive when you have to go throught all this? But i just have to fight through the negativity, soak up the support from friends and family, and just keep going! im going to look into finding a support group. It would be nice to vent to fellow cancer patients more often. I love you so much family and friends, bit it can be hard hearing " its going to be ok you just have to get through it," from someone who doesnt know my pain. No one needs to feel sorry for my pain, I just need a fellow cancer patient who knows my pain to vent to! :-) Im off for more chemo, ill be here all week so keep following, im pretty sure ill have plenty to talk about. GOD BLESS!!!