The secret gem of marriage...

My hospital stay came to an end, and I couldnt be any happier! The more times I have to be hospitalized, the more I'm thankful for the days I'm not there. Gosh, how great is it to not have to be in the same room all day!! Freedom never tasted as sweet as it does now! The day after I was released from my "second home" Ivan and I went to napa followed by lake Tahoe:) I couldn't be more excited to celebrate our one year anniversary!! The year had flown by, and I couldn't help but think of how much had changed within just a year. After only 9 months of marriage, Ivan and I were confronted with one of our biggest challenges yet. An unexpected life occurrence that has truly tested the strength of our commitment to one another. Going through this challenge with Ivan has shined a new light of what marriage means. Marriage is saying yes to everything! Even yes to illness. Ivan could have easily chosen to say no and walk away to what seemed like an impossible relationship to hold...but he didn't! He said yes! He said yes and accepted my illness, my 6 week hospital stay, yes to never leaving my side, yes to all the side affects that came from the illness, even my bald head. He has said yes to working more while I'm not being able to, yes to giving up our apartment, yes to living with less, yes to taking me to constant doctor appointments....he has said yes to absolutely everything!! And that I believe is what a marriage is. As amateur as I may sound, since ive only been married for a year; this is perhaps the most valuable gem I have discovered in having a successful marriage. I'm so incredibly thankful god has revealed this gem through Ivan to me after only a year! He must certainly be rooting for us;)
I started my new job yesterday and I absolutely love it!! Not only am I thankful to be getting out of the house, but I get to be around art and kids, my two favorites! It's so great to be in a classroom again. It makes me feel like I'm gaining a piece of what I lost. I will get to teach 2 lessons next week, which I can't wait for. I'm looking forward to the incredible feeling I get being in front of a classroom feeding new knowledge into my students, there is nothing that excites me more;)

Amen for our passions, and for having the ability to share them with others!

No more smelly sheets

The hospital sheets here have a distinct smell. By distinct, I don't mean in a good way. They smell like....a hospital. It's not a strong intolerable pungent smell, but odd and hospital like. It sort of resembles the smell of a convalescent home or a home that hasn't been lived in for months. Since I was to stay in this mobile bed for the week I wanted to make it as comfortable as possible so I asked Ivan to please bring me a pillow and blanket from home today. I feel so much more comfortable with a touch from home. Besides the smelly sheets, which are now in the past, my stay has been good. Of course I don't get any sleep during the night, but that's pretty common during all my hospital stays. The nurses have to monitor the ph level of my urine to make sure my organs are functioning appropriately which requires me to give them a pee sample every four hours. I was in the deepest sleep last night having an intense dream, which was sadly interrupted by a shake from my nurse. I was able to easily fall back asleep, but then shaken again for another pee test at 6. Of course breakfast arrives soon at 8, and the internal medicine doctors begin to drop by to check in with me and I'm tired as heck. They expect me to be lively and awake, which is the exact opposite of how I feel. One even commented, "aww are you being a sleepy head today?" rude! Yes I am being a sleepy head, so let my head sleep away! I hate these pee test!
This stay seems to be going by a lot slower than last time:( I hope it starts to speed up soon! Ivan and I's 1 year anniversary is on Sunday and we are hoping I can be out soon after so we can celebrate!
Just a few more days...

My short week of freedom

My week of freedom has soon come to an end. I go back for another week long stay at my second home tomorrow. The only thing I'm looking forward to about staying in a hospital all week is the nice AC. I will be escaping the desert like one hundred degree days of Motown this week!! Besides sweating my pits off all week during my week of liberty I discovered a new medium in art to work with! My friend Sarah invited me to an art store she had a gift card for, which turned into a new art addiction. There was a beautiful piece of art work hanging behind the woman who was helping us at the register. I asked the woman who the piece was by, and she proudly pointed out that she had done it. I was amazed by her talent and quickly asked her if she could reveal her secret of how she gave the piece it's vivid texture. She smiled as she lead the way to a corner of beautiful colored paper. The method seemed so simple yet so artistically genius. Sarah and I were in art heaven. We brainstormed pieces we could make by matching the colored paper together. We both left the store spending more than we wanted to, but completly inspired and motivated to make new art. That day I came home and quickly began mod podgeing (glue) the colored paper together. I was so into the piece I soon realized 4hours had passed and I had not eaten dinner. A lot more mod podgeing (this is what im calling it)occurred over the next few days. As soon as I introduced the strategy to my artistically inclined niece, she wanted to start her own project as well. Mod podge is taking over my life!
Besides mod podgeing, I had a weekend filled with lots of family time. It was my niece Joci's b-day on Saturday. My sister planned her a hawaian themed party with a trip to the bowling alley as well. I had a good time watching all the kids struggle to pick up bowling balls and try to skillfully drop the ball down the aisle. My poor niece Cristal who is only five, had the hardest time picking up the oversized ball. Ironic enough she managed to pick up the ball and wobble her way to the aisle to drop the ball just in time. Her turn seemed like it lasted a whole hour as we watched the ball with absolutely no velocity tippy toe it's way to the pins. By the end of the game lucky Cristal won with three strikes! I guess slow and steady does win the race. My mom seemed to grow a little sad at the bowling alley that night. She recalled our last years visit to the same alley for Joci's b-day, only that time my dad was around. She insisted it was nothing and that it would pass. We all let her be In the memory. I too have those snip memories of my dad,where I just want to be in the moment hoping I can catch a glimpse of his face and smile. These quick memory flashes are beautiful opportunities for us to relive times we had with my dad, even if it is just for a few minutes.
The next day Ivan and I went to church, then headed over to my cousin Gaby's for a pre fourth of July BBQ with all my cousins. I couldn't stand the heat outside. It was already 7, and it was still 90 degrees outside. I excused myself and politely took off my sweaty wig. Gosh it felt good! It sure is nice being bald In the summer;) I had to make sure to securley put my wig somewhere safe while I sported my nude head. My family seems to mistaken my wig for a real person if I leave it in open area. The other week I left it hanging on the bed post and there were 3 screams of " O, it's just patty's wig, I thought there was someone there!" I thought they would be used to the whole wig ordeal by now, but I guess not. The fourth of July festivities continued on to the next day as well. Ivan and I headed over to our friend Andy's house for another BBQ and fireworks. I had no complaints, I love BBQs! I wasn't able to go swimming just yet, but I'm counting down the days until I can freely jump into a cold pool to cool off! Probably by the time I get out of the hospital this week I will get the ok...hopefully.
I'm hoping this round of chemo goes well because I received a phone call from the art camp, and they want me to work the week of July 18, and teach the following week. I'm incredibly excited, so please pray that I recover well enough to do it.
Well Im off to spend time with my mama! love you all, God bless!

The long lost appetite and it's return

This past week of hospitalization started off rough. I checked into radiology to get my port put in. I was partially sedated for the procedure, although I still felt sharp pains here and there and the messy yellow goop they spread all over my chest to sanitize the area. The goop honestly takes a week to go away unless you want to sit there for hours scrubbing away until your skin is completely red. After the procedure I was transported to the room I would be staying in all week. The room was spaciously gorgeous, resembling a mini suite. It was a lot nicer then the dorm I stayed in for 6 weeks in Baldwin park. As soon as I settled in to my temporary room I started feeling throbbing pain coming from my chest. I couldnt seem to find any comfortable angle to sleep in....so viketin became my best friend. The chemo was to be given to me over a 36 hour period. I started it late Tuesday, and it went all the way up until Thursday morning. I have had times where I've lost my appetite before, but it has never been as bad as it was this past week. Such a sad feeling for the food adic that I am. Nothing seemed appetizing but fruit. I was lucky if I got at least one entire meal during the day.janes ted to eat so bad, and nothing is worse than feeling the nauseating feeling when your not feeling a slight bit of hunger. This round of chemo also brought along 3 nicely packaged headaches each day. Thanks, but no thanks. If I wasn't sleeping, which I did a large portion of the day, I was making my best attempt to hold conversations with my visitors. Thank God for my family and friends who all kept me company during the week, I couldnt have made it through the week without any if them. I feel so awful to be a bore when visitors come by, but I'm sure I can make up some entertainment time later. My poor mommy, who stayed the night with me two nights, looked so bored. But being the amazing mom she is she stuck it through:) Both my nieces even took a stab at being a nurse for the night. They didn't do have bad, I was quite impressed. Although give them cable t.v. and an iPad and they will stay up all night being a nurse, and I mean all night!! My friends Andy, Alyssa, Mena, Sarah, and Angelica also came by during the week. Not to mention my three Ramirez cousins Gaby, Liz, and Carmen who spent most late nights with me.
Sunday came around, it was finally time for me to go home! And lucky for me, my appetite returned! The first thing I wanted to eat was a nice slice of pepperoni pizza...which turned into three!! Thank you God for returning me my lovely friend, and most of all, thank you for helping get through anoher one of these cycles! Love you all, keep following!

Death is not supposed to be a scary thing. Since I was diagnosed I never placed too much thought on the idea of death. The times that I thought about it, it didn't seem to scare me. Since my dad passed, I've been thinking about it more, but this time I do feel a sense of fear. I feel it's because i have felt how much it hurts when someone passes. I know we can all have our doubts at times, and I've been talking to God about this fear and nervous feeling ive been having about death often. I wonder if when death comes around and one goes to heaven, if they feel the ache of missing their loved ones. I think that's why Ive been feeling this way. I have felt the feeling of agony of losing one person, and dont want to feel the agony of missing every single loved one in my life. But I know God can help me with this one, just as much as he has helped me with every other dilemma in my life. I know that if death should ever come upon me, he will make me feel full, I just have to have faith, faith will conquer my doubts, faith conquers all.

A little better everyday...

I have been spending a lot of time with my mom this past week. I stay the night with her most nights when Ivan is working graveyard. I feel like we are all getting a little better everyday since my dad passed, but we all can't stop missing him. Yesterday was fathers day, and it was so hard not to have my pops to celebrate with. But I knew my dad never placed a big emphasis on the holiday, so I found it silly of me to feel sad.
This past Friday was the last day of the novena, a nine day prayer we started after my dads services. So much family has been over which has been nice but also not so good some days, especially for my mom. I found her in the garage the other day just sobbing and when i asked her if she just wanted to be alone she firmly nodded her head yes. As much as it hurts me to know i have to leave her alone some days, my sisters have all said she needs time alone to cope and accept the change. She's been finding her therapy through her yard work, which is good. The scary talk of her wanting to move from the home we all grew up in isn't something we all want to hear. We feel it's just part of her coping journey. I've talked to some people who have lost a close family member or friend, and ive heard their loved ones can cope in this way. As hard as it would be to have my mom leave the house we all have so many memories in, we all know we have to support her in her decision, whatever it ends up being.
I got to visit my students this past week which was amazing. I have missed them sooo much. They didn't know I was coming, so as soon as they saw me they went bazerk! They all commented I looked different, and asked me if I got highlights, I smirked and just said yes. They don't know my diagnoses, yet they are so observant to details. They we're prompt in filling me in with everything I've missed. Of course the biggest question they had for me, was when I would be coming back. It hurt me to have to say that I didnt know. All their hugs truly made my day, I hope to see them again soon!
I start my next chemo cycle tomorrow. I don't feel as sad this time, which is good. Im going to be getting admitted this time, which means I'll have to stay hospitalized for about 3-4 days. I will be getting my Pic line removed tomorrow as well, and getting a port put in. I'm excited for this since wrapping my arm everyday I shower is such a pain, not mention the uncontrollable itchiness from the sticky stuff that keeps it protected.
Today is my hubby's b-day!! We had a celebration for him with all our friends this past Saturday and are having a little dinner today for him just with the fam. Well I'm off to celebrate with the birthday boy! Keep following and God bless!

Dedicating this blog to my pops!

It's been awhile I know, but this past week has been filled with heavy emotions. So heavy it's been hard for me to write it all out until now.last Thursday seemed rather dry. I had slept most of the day feeling more exhausted than usual, although everyday I feel tired and sleepy. Ivan decided to make us some steaks and potatoes. I had a craving for it, and like his usual self he wants to make his wifey happy...we were in the kitchen preparing our dinner when we received the call. My sister Hilda told Ivan that they had found my dad unconscious and the ambulance had taken him to the nearest hospital. My mind began to race and tears of fear ran down my face as I grabbed my purse while Ivan quickly grabbed the keys to our car. The ride to the hospital I was once at earlier that morning seemed longer than usual. We arrived to the ER where we were guided to the consult room. As soon as I saw the lettering on the door I began to sob. As the nurse opened the door I saw my sisters red eyes and brother's sorrowful look. I quickly asked in a panic voice" what's going on, where is he?" As the news of my dad no longer being with us hit my ears my knees hit the floor in complete anguish. As the rest of my sisters arrived we hugged each other in sobs. The worst was breaking the news to my mom. My heart shattered as I heard her shout" perdi mi compania" I've lost my company. Seeing my mom made me want to cradle her in my arms to sleep. I've never seen my mom cry this way. Arrangements for my dads services began right away. I couldnt bear going with my family to select the casket nor the burial location. I just couldn't handle it feeling real yet. Family and friends were swarming in and out of our house. Some days it was nice to have company but other days we all just wanted to be left alone. I coped by watching old home videos of my dad and remembering the amazing memories he had given all of us. My dad had suffered so much these past years with different illnesses. He had spent countless days in the hospital, but when it came for his time to part from us it happened in the comfort of his own home, in his favorite spot on the couch. My family and I found peace and prayed he hadn't suffered one bit on his way out. The viewing and funeral were unbearable. I had a difficult time stepping close to the casket. As soon as I walked in I saw my family crowded around it, and began to cry. It took my whole family to convince me to come see him. Inside me, I didn't want to accept it, but I knew I was going to have to. As soon as I saw him, I noticed the small smile on his face. He looked so comfortable at rest. The mass for my dad was beautiful. It brought me a sense of joy to know my dad was enjoying himself in heaven, and although we would miss his physical self, he would always be in our hearts...this brought me great comfort.
God is always trying to teach us something...I dont know why he sprung this on us so sudden, but I feel it has really united our family. I feel my dads presence constantly. I feel god is using my dads absence to bring us closer together. Im going to miss the heck out off him. Not a day will go by where I won't think of him. I'm always always going to remember his smile and laugh, always. I'm going to dedicate this blog to him because i feel ive gotten my strength to fight this sickness from watching my dad fight all his illnesses. He never gave up! And sickness after sickness he always bounced back to us. He was a true fighter, and i want to be just like him! Descansa en Paz mi lindo papa.

God bless, keep following